Kaleidoscope
by luvrofink
Summary: The year is 2003. She's a good girl who finds herself tangled up with a not-so good guy. He's rough and damaged, but she doesn't care. She only wants to show him the light. Short chapters. BPOV.
1. Preface

_**SMeyer owns Twilight and I own this. **  
_

_**Warning: This fic contains drug use and lemons. **_

* * *

_Thanks to Darysmom for beta'ing, Katiewinkles and LivieLiv79 for prereading. _

_A/N: This story has been nagging me for the past few weeks and disrupting my original fic time. I decided it'd be best to get this down and share it so that I can hopefully get back on track. I hope you enjoy it. It's going to be angsty and heartbreaking and tbh I make no promises, only one, there's no cheating. That's my hard limit. lol The story will be posted on AO3 in case this one gets removed. _

_This story is dedicated to all my favorite authors who give me heartfail tummy aches and make me cry. Oh, and it's an experiment to see if I can get MarchHare5 to cry. Kthx._

* * *

_Preface_

* * *

If only there was a line drawn in the sand. A line so deep and wide that no one could miss it. Maybe then I could make a choice, pick a side and stick with it. But life isn't like that. It's not black and white; it's a kaleidoscope of colors, a prism that dances in the morning sunlight.

Knowing now what lies ahead, the choices I'll have to make - I'm still not ready.

* * *

_Please Review. _

_A/N2: Chapter One will post shortly. Updates after that will be every two weeks, unless we're inconvenienced by the __apocalypse. _


	2. Chapter 1

_**SMeyer owns Twilight and I own this. **_

_**Warning: Drug use and lemons. **_

* * *

_Thanks to darcysmom for beta'ing, Katiewinkles and LivieLiv79 for prereading. You ladies knock my socks off. _

* * *

_A/N: Here's chapter one as promised. I hope you enjoy. As the summary states, these are short chapters, but I'm definitely a more bang for your buck kinda gal. See you at the end. _

* * *

The thumping against my bedroom wall woke me from a dead sleep. The knocks grew in intensity and I glared at the ceiling before glancing over at the clock on my bedside table. The neon red lights taunted me from afar.

5:04 AM

When the moans started I shut my eyes, and willed the tingling between my legs to subside. I squeezed my thighs together, and repeated the mantra I'd come to know like the back of my hand.

_I will not get off listening to Rose and Emmett. _

_I will not get off listening to Rose and Emmett. _

The moans turned into grunts and curses and I leaned over to grab my iPhone, shoving the buds in my ears and blaring old school Guns n Roses. Axl's voice and Slash's guitar riffs did nothing to squelch my desire. Knowing I wouldn't be able to get back to sleep, I threw the covers off and jumped out of bed. I grumbled to myself, throwing on some pants and a hoodie before toeing on my running shoes.

Outside the air was crisp, and I could smell the ocean breeze as it blew past, tossing the palm fronds in the wind. I shut the front door behind me, and stepped onto the sidewalk before taking off in a fast run. Turning left, I zipped down to First Street, my feet pounding against the uneven concrete, and took the creaking steps that led down to a private beach access. The rubber soles of my shoes slapped against the wet sand as I ran, the rising sun glinting off the lapping waves.

Heavy beats sounded in my ears as I pushed my legs harder, working out the frustration and energy coiled in every muscle. Running was my only outlet these days, since I didn't have anyone to _expel _my energy with. I managed three miles from the pier and back to the house. When I opened up the front door, the old wood creaking with age, I found Rose and Emmett at the kitchen table, the smell of coffee filling the room.

"Morning, BB." Emmett lifted his zombie coffee mug and tipped it toward me in greeting.

He'd taken to calling me BB after I'd worn a yellow and black striped shirt to school one day. He said I looked like a bumblebee and the name stuck ever since. I don't think anyone really called me Bella anymore.

I rolled my eyes before stripping off my hoodie, tossing it onto the closest chair, and plopping down in the seat across from my two best friends.

"You guys were up early," I quipped, arching my brow in accusation.

Rose tried to hide her smile behind her glass of orange juice while Emmett beamed proudly. They were such fuckwits.

With a huff I grabbed some toast and the jar of Nutella, slathering on the yummy goodness before shoving a covered corner into my mouth.

"Mmmm," I hummed with satisfaction, the warm nutty chocolate coating my tastebuds.

"You're a slave to that jar, Bella. How you're not two hundred pounds I'll never know." Rose sneered at the jar next to me and I pulled it closer, sheltering it from her steely gaze.

Rose had a classic kind of beauty: a figure like Marilyn Monroe, and the same platinum-colored hair. Her curves were spectacular and womanly, but I knew she was hard on herself, never satisfied with her voluptuous frame. She held an unhealthy disdain for anything chocolate, swearing the sugary sweetness "went straight to her thighs." I'd kill for curves like hers, jealous of her seductive figure compared to my lean form.

I chewed the yumminess in my mouth and smiled at her. "S'yummy."

Rose turned her nose up with a dramatic sniff and I giggled.

We ate breakfast and talked about what we had going on for the week before Emmett scooted back from the table.

"I've got to get to the airport and pick up Ed."

Ed was Edward, Emmett's cousin, and a mechanic from Chicago who was recently released from rehab. We'd all agreed he could have the couch while he looked for a place here. My only stipulation was if he fell off the wagon, he was kicked to the curb. I didn't want a spaced out, good for nothing junkie sleeping on my couch, but I knew in my heart Emmett would never let his cousin stay if he thought he was dangerous. He assured us Edward wouldn't be a bother.

He left a few minutes later, kissing Rose on the lips before bounding out the door. Rose and I went our separate ways to get ready for the day. I had a date with Tom Hiddle, an eighty-year-old man from the Neptune Beach Senior Activity Center. I was doing research for my historical romance novel set during World War II, and he'd offered to answer some questions about his time in the Navy.

Dressed and showered, I got into my old Beetle and took the short drive to the center where Tom was waiting for me by the indoor pool. His silver hair was thick, slicked back with pomade. His pale skin, wrinkled and aged with spots, a stark contrast to the bright and youthful blue eyes that shone up at me.

I sat down next to his wheelchair and he gave me a toothy grin. "Ah, Bella, Bella." He'd taken to calling me Bella, Bella as a joke. He said I deserved two beautifuls instead of one.

With my open notebook and readied pen, I listened intently as he talked about the war, all he had lost and what he had gained.

* * *

_Please Review_


	3. Chapter 2

_**SMeyer owns Twilight and I own this.**_

_**Warning: Drug use and lemons.**_

_Thanks to darcysmom for beta'ing, Katiewinkles and LivieLiv79 for prereading. You ladies kick BOOTAY!_

* * *

_A/N: Surprise chapter cos it's my five year wedding anniversary! Thanks for the major support on this story and for your bravery to put your heart on the line to continue reading. ily guys!_

_**PLEASE READ: **There will not be an EPOV, but from here on out you will get a tiny snippet from him at the beginning of every chapter. Just a little tiny insight into who he is and what he's thinking. _

* * *

_The flight was horrendous. Circulated air and a screaming kid set me on edge. I sipped my hot tea and prayed it'd calm me down. _

* * *

As I spent the afternoon with Tom my admiration for him grew. He had a witty sense of humor and I couldn't remember the last time I'd laughed so much. He was truly an amazing source of information, and took his responsibilities as a sailor to heart. His bravery and dedication left me humbled and in awe.

When I pulled into the driveway grey, thin smoke, wispy and fragrant, billowed from the backyard. I got out of my car as Emmett's boisterous laughter sounded over the fence, followed by a deep chuckle I didn't recognize. The smell of burning charcoal and smoking meat floated on the air and my stomach growled in response.

Rose and Alice were in the kitchen chopping and skewering veggies for kabobs. Alice's nimble fingers expertly maneuvered the knife as she cut the bell peppers into chunks. As head chef and owner of Natural Selections Alice's cooking skill and knack for whole food dishes had spoiled us.

"Hey, BB!" Alice greeted, glancing up from her work.

"Hey, guys." I moved to peek out the screen door to see who was out back with Emmett, but Jasper stepped up and slid open the screen, blocking my view of the backyard. He didn't have a shirt on _again_ and his hair looked like he hadn't washed it in about a month.

He threw me a wide grin as he moved inside, pulling me into a one-armed hug. "Hey there, little sunshine."

His skin was sticky and I could smell the salt and recently smoked grass clinging to him. Jasper was the epitome of a Florida surfer. He walked around barefoot and considered swimming in the ocean an appropriate bath. I guessed it was his rock hard abs that made it easy for Alice to ignore his salty dog ways.

"Ugh, that's enough. You're all gross." I scrunched my nose in playful disgust and shoved him away. He shrugged and moved into the kitchen where he attacked Alice's neck with noisy kisses.

I bit my lip and looked away, an ache hitting me in the heart as they played out their affection. I was happy for all of my friends, but it hurt to see everyone blissful and in love when I...wasn't.

"Bella, can you help me take these out there?" Rose asked over the kissing couple and held up two platters of kabobs. I nodded and took one from her as she slid past an oblivious Jasper and Alice.

Outside Emmett manned the grill, tongs in hand. Rose slid up next to him, put the platter on the edge of the grill and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

I put mine next to hers and Emmett gave me a big smile. "BB, you're home! You need to meet my cuz, Edward." He pointed his tongs toward the left and I followed it with my eyes and found Edward sitting in my hot pink fold out chair.

He was way too tall to be comfortable in the seat, his long, lean body dwarfed the chair, his legs bent awkwardly to accommodate their length. I couldn't help but chuckle at his pale legs peeking out from his black and green boardshorts. He was definitely a northerner with all that pasty white skin. My eyes traveled over his grey t-shirt to his arms, his lean, muscled biceps covered in bright and vibrant ink. Tattoos peered out from the collar of his shirt, winding up his neck and ending just below his perfect cut jaw and littered with delicious stubble. His lips were pulled into a frown, his green eyes deep and stormy, holding me captive in his gaze.

Emmett interrupted my view when he walked over and rubbed his hand over Edward's buzzed head. "Ed, this is BB. BB this is my cuz, Ed."

Edward smiled, genuine and full blown and it made my heart skip a beat. One corner of his mouth pulled higher than the other, a crooked piece of heaven as his eyes danced with a mirth.

"Nice to meet you, Bella." His voice was smooth and thick like Medicine Man honey, and I was pretty sure it could cure cancer or give an angel its wings.

I didn't miss that he'd called me Bella and not BB and I wasn't entirely sure how I felt about the unfamiliarity.

I gave a pathetic wave of my fingers. "Hey."

Edward raised his hand and did the same, wiggling the tips of his fingers. I wasn't sure if he was being funny or a dick, so I rolled my eyes at him playfully.

His brow furrowed in response, and he dropped his hand, turning his attention to Emmett. "Got anything without alcohol?"

Right. Fresh out of rehab.

I tried not to let his dismissal bother me, but he'd basically brushed me off. One minute he was smiles and honey-voiced, the next he's acting like I wasn't standing right in front of him.

"Sure thing, dude. In the fridge," Emmett said as he walked back over to the grill.

Edward unfolded himself from the chair and walked past, leaving me standing there wondering what the hell just happened.

* * *

_Please Review_


	4. Chapter 3

**_SMeyer owns Twilight and I own this._**

**_Warning: Drug use and lemons._**

_Thanks to darcysmom, katiewinkles, and LivieLiv79 for looking this over for me. ily, guise._

* * *

_A/N: I'm ahead a good bit now so I think we'll be safe with a once a week update. Here's hoping. Thanks for all the reviews and tweets. They mean so much to me. Enjoy. _

* * *

_Emmett means well. And I'm grateful for a place to stay, but I don't want to talk about things. Things I'd much rather forget._

* * *

I scowled at Emmett when Edward was out of sight. "You're drinking alcohol in front of your fresh-out-of-rehab cousin? What the hell is wrong with you?"

Emmett's face morphed into a painful frown. Apparently he hadn't thought of that. With a whisper he asked, "Do you think it bothers him?"

Snorting I shook my head. "That'd be like telling me telling you that you can't have any of my guinness cupcakes when you've been out in the surf allllll day!"

His eyes widened and I held back a laugh. I loved Emmett, but he was pretty clueless sometimes. In an attempt to make amends, he poured out his beer and grabbed the cooler, moving it off to the side near the bushes.

Jasper turned the stereo up in the house before he and Alice joined us outside. The sounds of Sublime filtered through the screen as I crawled into the hammock and closed my eyes, the sun warming me through the large magnolia tree that shaded our yard.

I felt the swing move gently and cracked an eye open to see Rose standing over me, her fingers tangled in the woven strands of the hammock, rocking me back and forth.

"You okay, BB?" She smiled down at me, her crystal blue eyes searching my face.

I nodded, but she wasn't buying it.

"He doesn't have to stay here if he makes you uncomfortable." Her voice was low so that no one else could hear.

I sat up, eyes wide. "No, that's not it. We just had an awkward moment. I swear I'm okay with him being here."

She arched an eyebrow in disbelief.

"I'm serious, Rose. It's fine. He's just... hard to read."

Rose snorted. "That's for damn sure. He's nothing like Emmett is he? All guarded and quiet."

I nodded. Edward was definitely different than the rest of us.

Rose climbed on the hammock beside me, and we swayed gently as the others chatted around us.

Edward remained pretty quiet for the rest of the night, only chiming in when someone asked him a direct question. The more he showed a cold shoulder, the more aggravated I became. He was living in our home, eating our food. The least he could do was talk to us.

When Emmett announced dinner was ready, we gathered at the umbrella-covered table where Alice had strung dragonfly lights along the frame. There was a full spread of yumminess and it smelled so damn good.

Unfortunately, the only available spot at the table was across from Edward. Chatter continued as everyone got settled, with Emmett and Jasper making plans to go out on the boat, but it all fell away as I focused on the man across from me.

Edward was gorgeous― gorgeous in a rough and broken kind of way. His inked skin added to his mystery and I was curious to know what each tattoo meant or when he'd gotten them. He had a scar over his right eye, hidden partially by his eyebrow. His stubble was long, more of a thin beard, and I wondered what it'd feel like against my palm or elsewhere. Knowing thoughts like this would do me no good, I broke away from my staring and grabbed a kabob before filling my plate.

Mid-chew Jasper leaned in to look over at me from down the table. "How was the interview?"

I wiped my mouth with the napkin from my lap and chanced a glance at Edward, whose head snapped up immediately, before giving my attention to Jasper. "It went great. Tom had a lot of useful info."

Tom was Jasper's grandpa's Navy buddy. After his grandfather passed away, Jasper kept in touch with Tom, and told him about my writing.

I talked a little bit about what we discussed, everyone except Edward knew what my novel was about. It was encouraging that all my friends supported my decision to write.

Dinner flowed smoothly, and I began to relax a little, laughing and talking with everyone but Edward. He eventually talked about his flight and how happy he was to be in Florida when prompted by Alice. I held onto every word, feeling conflicted that I was both turned off by his cold behavior and eager to learn as much about him as possible.

As the night wore on I grew more and more aware of Edward's presence. While washing the dishes I felt him come into the kitchen before I turned to see him bent over at the fridge. The sight of his ass in a pair of faded jeans did nothing to quiet the conflict raging inside me.

I turned back to the dishes, scrubbing vigorously at the pot in my hands, not wanting him to catch me ogling. He popped the top on a can of soda, and I fought the urge to turn back around and watch him take a drink. My mind filled with images of his extended neck, his Adam's apple bobbing with each delicious swallow.

For a moment he just stood there, and I could feel his eyes on me, a static hum filling the air as we waited each other out in silence. When he left a moment later, I dropped the pan and my hand gripped the edge of the sink, my body tense and quivering from his presence. I let my head fall forward, and closed my eyes as I squeezed my thighs together to quell the ache that throbbed mercilessly.

There was something there, a yearning I had that stirred something deep inside of me. But I stamped it down as I pushed away from the sink, wiping my shaking hands on a dishtowel. I couldn't entertain the thoughts that were flying through my head. Resolved that I'd spend another night wanting, I knew a night time run was definitely in my near future.

* * *

_Please Review_


	5. Chapter 4

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight, I own this. **_  
_

* * *

**Thanks to linsadair for helping me get this posted. Thanks darcysmom for betaing. Thank you to katiewinkles, carenl. livieliv79 for prereading for me.**

* * *

_It's her eyes. They force my soul under a microscope. I don't want her to see. I don't ever want her to see who I am underneath my skin._

* * *

I took off down to the beach, the moon shining full and bright in the dark sky. With the tide out, I used the firm sand to run on, my legs pumping with each stride. Sweat broke out over my body, trickling down between my shoulders blades and around my hairline, only to cool when a gust of air blew my way.

Flashes of green eyes and a crooked smile assaulted me as I took deep, steady breaths. I couldn't get away from Edward, no matter how far I ran.

I flew past another mile marker, ticking them off in my head as I picked up my pace, my thighs and lungs burning. When I couldn't run anymore I slowed to a stop, and tilted my head to the starry blanket above, letting the cool ocean breeze wash over me.

City lights warmed the skyline to my right, the nightlife in full swing.

A cough caught my attention, high up in the nearby lifeguard chair. The only thing I could see in the dark was the glowing cherry on the end of a cigarette. Curious as to who was sitting up there I walked closer, keeping my eyes straight ahead so as not to look suspicious.

Parallel with the tower, a familiar voice called down to me. "Is it safe for you to run out here alone at night?"

I gasped at the sound of Edward's voice, startled by the rich tone, and his concerned words. However, my surprise morphed into mild annoyance since I ran this beach every day.

Moving to the bottom of the tower stairs, I looked up. He turned his head, his profile silhouetted in the moonlight.

"I run this beach all the time. It's perfectly safe. Plus, my dad was a cop, he taught me how to take care of myself."

Edward chuckled, and I bristled at his condescension. Who was he to act this way? I watched as he flicked his spent cigarette, the red cherry tumbling as the butt hit the sand.

He was a litter bug too!

My hands curled into tight fists, and I bit the inside of my cheek so I wouldn't tear into him. He had no consideration for anyone or anything around him.

"Well, I'm glad you're confident in your abilities. I hear that's an important part of self defense. Being confident."

I felt my head spin. Now he was complimenting me?

One thing I knew for sure –Edward never acted the way I expected him to.

I stepped back as he made his way down the ladder, unable to look away from his ass. My palms itched to reach forward and give him a tight squeeze. Cursing my perverted thoughts, I turned to face the quiet ocean, hoping the lack of stimulating visuals would calm me down enough to answer him.

"Yeah, it does help to be confident."

Edward stood next to me, the lingering scent of smoke and something sweeter swirling in the air around me.

"When I was...back in Chicago I took some Kung-Fu lessons. The meditating and shit was pretty helpful, and it's a beautiful style of fighting."

Did they have Kung-Fu in rehab? Sounded more like a celebrity retreat than a place to get your act together.

"That sounds fun. Well, maybe not the meditating, but the fighting. I used to want to take Tae-kwon-do as a kid. Never happened though. Instead, my dad Charlie offered to teach me his police training. It's not that pretty, but it works." I gave a light-hearted laugh, trying to ignore the pang of loss at the thought of my father.

Edward didn't skip a beat. "You said your dad _was_ a cop. Is he retired?"

I shook my head, swallowing down the lump of emotion that welled in my throat. Could I tell Edward what happened? A virtual stranger?

"He...he was murdered while on duty."

What I didn't say was that my father was murdered by a junkie.

Edward was a junkie.

An _ex-_junkie, I told myself.

I glanced at him out the corner of my eye, and his head dropped, chin to chest, his eyes closed. His face etched in pain made me feel bad for him. Emmett said he wasn't "that guy" anymore, but he could clearly identify with what I had said.

Had he hurt someone too?

To be honest I wasn't sure I wanted to know the answer to that.

* * *

_Please review._


	6. Chapter 5

**SMeyer owns Twilight. I own this. **_  
_

****_Thanks to darcysmom for beta'ing. Thanks to livieliv79, katiewinkles, and carenl for prereading._

* * *

_I can see her pain. She wears her emotions like a second skin, a chameleon of color. I wonder what I must look like to her. Hard and cold. It's the way I have to be. _

The silence that followed my words was heavy. I felt its weight settle over my heart, an anchor of sadness and mourning.

I didn't expect Edward to say anything. What could he say? Nothing I hadn't heard before that's for sure.

When I finally decided to move, Edward followed, keeping pace with me as we walked to the nearest beach access and trekked it home.

Inside, I retreated to the kitchen, pouring a glass of water as Edward unfolded the sheet and blanket left on the couch for him. I downed the cool liquid and placed the empty cup in the sink. Edward flipped on the table-side lamp so I turned off the kitchen light and headed for the stairs. My body was worn out from the run and my head hurt from all the thoughts bouncing around. All I wanted was to get to sleep and just...regroup.

Unwilling to create any more awkwardness, I started up the steps when Edward's voice stopped me. "Thanks, Bella, for letting me stay here. And...and I'm sorry about your dad."

The lump in my throat returned, and I pressed the palm of my hand against my chest, rubbing at the phantom pain that lingered whenever I thought of my dad. A "you're welcome" croaked from between my lips and a deafening silence followed my pained words. I walked up to my room, leaving the mysterious and confusing man behind me.

Once in the shower, I stood under the hot spray, letting it wash away the salt and sand that clung to my skin. My mind was filled with memories of ice cream on sunny afternoons and bedtime stories of hobbits and dragons. Tears rolled down my cheeks as I pressed my back into the tiled wall, the wound in my heart throbbing with every beat.

The suds swirled down the drain and I cut the water off, drying and getting dressed before climbing into bed. Thoughts of Edward drifted behind my closed eyes, and I fought the tidal wave of emotion that threatened to pull me under. I knew, deep down, the curiosity I had for the man downstairs would only lead to heartache. He was broken and so was I.

Sleep didn't come easy, but after tossing and turning I fell into a light slumber. My dreams evaded me, a whisper of sadness lurking on the edge of my memories, as I awoke, leaving me anxious.

The sunlight peeked through my blinds and I watched the shade and light make stripes across my skin before stretching out on my bed. My toes tingled as I arched my back, and a quick flash of Edward above me entered my mind and I fell back against the mattress with a thud.

My phone on the nightstand vibrated and I picked it up to see Alice's smiling face.

"Morning, Alice."

Alice's cheerful voice rang through the phone, loud and obnoxious. "I'm making quiche! You better get here before Emmett!"

I groaned into the phone and rubbed a hand over my face. "I'm not even out of bed yet."

"Well get out of bed then. Just throw on some clothes and drive down here. I'm not going to stop Emmett and Jasper from eating your piece."

I kicked the covers back and sat up. "Fine."

Alice let out a giggle and told me I had ten minutes.

Not bothering to even brush my hair, I threw it into a messy bun and hastily got dressed. I slipped on some flip flops before taking the stairs quietly, unsure if Edward would still be sleeping. Sure enough, as I got to the last step I could hear his soft snoring from the couch. One arm was thrown over his face, protecting it from the sunlight streaming through the bamboo blinds.

The rays glinted off the tiny buzzed hairs on his head and my fingers itched to scratch his scalp, to feel the prickles against my skin. Forcing down the urge, I grabbed my keys and walked out the door, shutting it carefully behind me.

Natural Selections was only a short drive down Third Street. As I pulled into a parking space I could see Emmett and Jasper through the large front window, both of them shoveling their faces at the counter.

I walked through the door, the bell above my head chiming, as the tiny bells knocked against each other as I pushed open the glass door. Jasper and Emmett turned in their stools and gave me a muffled "hello" before getting back to the delectable meal in front of them.

Alice and Rose walked out from the kitchen, plates in hand.

"Take that booth behind you," Alice said to me as she nodded her head to the red booth seat in the corner.

I slid onto the bench seat and Rose scooted in next to me, pushing my plate of spinach and artichoke quiche in front of me. Alice set her plate down and went behind the counter to get us a pot of coffee.

When she returned to the table, Alice's lips pulled into a sly smile as she slid onto the bench across from us. "So, Edward's pretty cute, right?"

The urge to slam my head on the table was almost overpowering as her grey eyes sparkled with mischief. I glanced at Rose who looked pensive, and I knew that both expressions didn't bode well for me.


	7. Chapter 6

_**SMeyer owns Twilight and I own this. **  
_

_**Warning: This fic contains drug use and lemons. **_

* * *

_Thanks to Darysmom for beta'ing, Katiewinkles and LivieLiv79 for prereading. _

* * *

_A/N: So...updating schedule will be Thursdays and Mondays now. I know it's Friday, sure me. LOL Thank you for the continued support of this story, even through the Robsten Cheating Scandal that has rocked the foundation of the fandom. _

* * *

_I woke up with a headache and remnants of a bad dream. There were lines of white lady and slick-skinned bodies. I couldn't escape their hold. _

* * *

I wasn't sure if I'd be able to get out of the whole "girl talk" business, so I swallowed a bite of my food and leveled Alice with a glare.

"Don't look at me like that, Alice." I shoveled in another bite and her bottom lip stuck out in a pathetic pout.

I shook my head and pointed my fork at her. "I'm serious. Edward...that...just...it isn't happening, okay? He's got serious issues right now. Me...well I'm still fucked."

It was true. After my dad's murder I just wasn't...right. He was my rock, the only family I had. My mother was long gone before I could even walk and I didn't have any living grandparents. It was always just me and him. Rose's parents had taken me in my senior year of high school, but they weren't my dad. It wasn't until I hit rock bottom after I'd graduated that I realized I'd fallen into the arms of every willing guy in search of affection, however empty and fleeting.

One day Rose locked me in her room, grabbed me by the arms and forced me to come to terms with what I'd become until I finally broke down. I cried as she held me, memories of Suns baseball games, and trips to the flea market for mangos and boiled peanuts washed over me. I knew I'd never get those moments back, but I had to treasure them, not bury them under the mattress of whoever's bed I'd fallen into.

I made a promise to myself and to Rose that day. I'd never blindly give away my body again. I'd find love, with someone I knew my dad would be proud of.

"You're not fucked, Bella." Alice's tone held a hint of frustration and I bit my lip to keep from arguing with her.

Alice wasn't there when I'd lost my dad. She understood that I was hurt and broken, but she didn't get it, not entirely. I couldn't expect her to.

"Don't force it, Alice. Edward just got out of fucking rehab, and if Bella says she isn't ready then respect that." Rose crossed her arms over her chest and waited for Alice's retort.

I slipped a hand under the table and squeezed Rose's hand in thanks.

After a minute of sulking Alice sighed. "I'm sorry, BB. I just...I see that look in your eyes sometimes. You don't think I see it, but I do. I just want someone to love you the way Jasper loves me."

I reached across the table and grabbed her fingers in mine. "I know. Thank you for trying, but it's not even on my radar right now. I'm fine, alright?"

It was only a little lie.

She nodded and thankfully Rose changed the subject. "So, how many calories are in this quiche?"

Alice grabbed her napkin and threw it across the table and hit Rose in the face. "Shut the fuck up!"

I giggled and tucked back into my food as Alice started reprimanding Rose for not appreciating her figure. I wasn't sure if Rose knew she'd get a lecture, but I loved her for it anyway. Eventually, Jasper strolled over and distracted Alice long enough for us to leave the table.

Rose slid into the seat next to Emmett and I went to drop of the dirty dishes in the kitchen. On the counter was a to-go container with Edward's name on it. Seeing his name written in Alice's flirty scrawl made my heart thump wildly in my chest. I traced the letters with the tip of my finger and closed my eyes, stamping down the want that fluttered in my stomach.

No. It was just as I told Alice. He had issues. Issues I was sure I'd never truly understand. I was too broken, like damaged goods. The memory of my father's death and my actions that followed still haunted me. It was also the promise I made to hold true to who I was and what I wanted. I couldn't fall back into my self-destructive ways and a guy like Edward would easily pull me back under; the waves of failure and guilt would drown me.

I grabbed the take-out box and put it into a plastic bag before saying goodbye. At home it took me a few moments to get out of the car, I had to pull myself together in the peace and quiet first.

Inside, the couch was made; the pillow and blanket nowhere to be found. I put the container of food on the counter and went upstairs to get in the shower. As I walked past the hallway bathroom I could hear singing, Edward's voice muffled by the door that separated us. Even with the obstruction I could tell he had an amazing voice, deep and soulful, and it made my knees weak. I leaned against the wall and listened as the familiar lyrics washed over me.

_I didn't want you to feel the beating of my heart as you held it wet in front of your eyes. _

_The lipstick on your face has turned a shade of gray and I'm liking it._

_ And as he makes you blush I hope you realize everything you've thrown away to satisfy desire. _

_The life drains from your face to match up all the grays and its scaring me. _

_And when you say his name I hope you fight to close your mouth to keep mine from escaping it_

The pain, deafening over the sound of running water, brought with it guilt.

For listening to him when I shouldn't have.

For wanting him when I knew it was wrong.

Pushing away from the wall I retreated to my room with more conflicting thoughts than I'd left with only hours before.

* * *

_Please Review. _

_A/N2: The song Edward sings is Drive-by Monologue by Outsmarting Simon. They are no longer together, but they were one of my favorite bands back in the day. I still rock out to them on the daily. _


	8. Chapter 7

_SMeyer owns Twilight, but I own this. _

_Thanks to Darcysmom for beta'ing. Thanks somuch to Katiewinkles, Livieliv79, and Carenl for prereading. You ladies rock it hardcore. _

_Your reviews have been so encouraging and I'm glad to be back. _

* * *

_In the privacy of the shower I let my mind drift to Bella. I thought about her soft lips and shiny hair. When I gripped my cock and gave it heavy strokes it was as if she was right there with me. _

* * *

I managed to stay in my room for a few hours, writing and listening to music while avoiding the man I knew was downstairs. Eventually, I got off of my bed and changed into my favorite bikini, black with tiny white polka dots, and a strapless beach dress, and grabbed my beach bag. I found Emmett and Edward at the kitchen table talking about what sounded like job openings for Edward. The styrofoam container was gone from the counter and I hoped that Edward had eaten it and not Emmett.

"Hey, BB." Emmett lifted his head, nodding in my direction.

"Hey, guys." I gave them both a smile.

Edward's stare was cold as he regarded me. His hand clenched on the table was so tight that his k

nuckles were a painful white. I wasn't sure what his

problem was, but his lips pulled into a small smile and he said, "Em said you brought the food home for me. Thanks. I was starving when I got up."

"No problem. Alice is a great cook so you'd better eat whenever you get a chance." I slid on my flip flops and turned to the two men. "You guys want to come with? Weather's nice this afternoon."

Edward's eyes darted from my face to Emmett and I got the distinct impression that he didn't want to come, but before I could retract my offer, Emmett was out of his seat. "I'm in. Come on, Ed."

We both looked to Edward who was slightly panicked. I felt bad for the guy, but I wasn't about to waste my afternoon waiting on him to make a decision, so

I grabbed my sunglasses off the counter and put them on.

"Come on, Edward. It's just the beach, maybe you can get those legs to tan."

Edward scowled at my words and it only made Emmett laugh harder. It was true. He was pale. No one in Florida was that pale by choice, and he wasn't a full blown ginger, as far as I could tell from his buzzed head, so I didn't think he'd burn to a crisp.

Not wanting me to have the last word, Edward huffed and got up from the table, pushing his chair back, the legs scraping the tiled floor and grumbled, "Let me change."

Emmett was still laughing as Edward dug through his bag and grabbed his shorts. He even slammed the door to the bathroom like a toddler.

"That shit was funny, BB."

I shook my head. "Now he's probably not going to talk to me at all. I just wanted him to loosen up."

I wanted to give him a bit of a hard time, hoping that a joke or two would thaw his icy demeanor.

A few moments later, Edward came out of the bathroom shirtless and I made a conscious effort not to let my mouth fall open. His broad chest had almost no bare skin, an intricate chest piece stretched from shoulder to shoulder. A colorful detailed motor had been designed to look like a heart, with two mechanical wings. Down his left arm was a raven and a skull surrounded by maple leaves, all in shaded black. On his right; a beautiful scene of a phoenix that went from shoulder to elbow. Below that was a collage of smaller tattoos that I'd seen before. A portrait of a beautiful woman that I guessed might have been a family member caught my eye before I forced myself to look at his face.

If Edward was put off by my staring he didn't show it, merely throwing his towel over his shoulder and slipping on a new pair of flip flops. "Ready?" he asked, looking from me to Emmett.

Emmett nodded and lead the way out the door leaving me to close up the house. The walk was silent as I stayed behind the two, opting to ogle Edward's back that was surprisingly bare. Tight muscles rippled underneath smooth skin as he walked, and with each step I felt desire pulse through me.

My nipples hardened underneath the top of my bikini, pressing into the rough material, and I could feel the crotch of my bottoms getting damp. I picked up my pace, not wanting to torture myself further, and kept in step next to Emmett who was going on about cooking ribs when we got home.

I went ahead of them when we reached the beach access, and moved down the boardwalk. The beach was packed on either side, but I found a spot a little higher up in the softer sand.

The two boys walked up behind me as I laid my towel out. Emmett took the spot next to me and Edward beside him. Wanting to get into the water, I stripped off my beach dress and fixed the triangles of my top, making sure all my bits were covered. When I looked back Edward was staring at my chest, his cheeks tinged pink as he glanced up and realized I'd caught him staring.

I looked away to hide my smile. Thankful that maybe I wasn't the only one admiring the view.


	9. Chapter 8

**SMeyer owns Twilight and I own this. **

* * *

****_Thanks to darcysmom for beta'ing and to my prereaders: liveliv79, carenl, and katiewinkles. _

* * *

_A/N: Thanks for all the reviews. Your support is unshakeable. _

* * *

_Her form is a map to Hell. The gentle slope of her lower back that leads to the delicious curve of her ass taunts me from where I sit, her breasts on display like an offering to the gods. I want to devour her and leave her trembling in my wake. _

* * *

I left the boys on the sand and headed to the water, splashing the waves as I moved deeper into the ocean. A large bull mastiff paddled over to me, his droopy upper lips flapping in the water as his head bobbed up and down. I reached out to pet him, scratching behind his soaked ears. "You're such a pretty boy. And such a good swimmer too."

He bobbed in the water and accepted my affection with a wag of his tail.

"Jake! Stupid ass dog! Get over here!"

I turned to see where the voice came from, and a tall, well built man ran toward us, splashing in the waist high waves. His vibrant blue eyes were trained on Jake, but they quickly trailed from the hand I had on the mastiff's head and up my arm until he reached my face. I turned to face him, and his eyes widened and focused on my chest. When he finall

y met my eyes and he realized I'd caught him staring, his face colored with embarrassment.

Surprisingly, I found that it didn't bother me so much. I sort of liked that he thought I was attractive―which was new for me.

I laughed lightly to break the awkwardness. "I'm guessing he's yours."

He nodded dumbly and stepped closer, our bodies rocking with the waves as he stood a few feet from me. Jake took that moment to nudge my hand, begging for attention. I bent at the waist to give his head a nuzzle and tried not to think about the man staring at the curve of my ass.

Thankfully, he managed to shift his stare when I turned back to him. "He's gorgeous."

It was true, Jake was a beautiful brindle color with big dark eyes.

"Thanks. His name's Jake, which..uh...I think you gathered with the yelling. I'm Garrett." He stuck his hand out and I placed mine in his large grasp.

"I'm Bella, but everyone calls me BB."

Garrett smiled, bright and big, making my insides warm. "It's nice to meet you, BB."

He reached down to grab Jake by the collar, and I took a moment to notice is bare tan skin. He was the complete opposite of Edward, no ink in sight. Where Edward was lean and sinewy, Garrett had more bulk and was slightly shorter. The muscles in Garrett's back bunched and released, and I bit my lip, my eyes scanning the beach. I immediately found Edward, alone, facing my direction. From where I was I couldn't see his face, but I could've sworn I felt his eyes burning holes into me.

Garrett's voice interrupted my thoughts. "Looks like Jake's found a new friend. I think this is where I use one of those cheesy lines to try and get you to agree to take a walk with us."

I laughed, a genuine, carefree sound that bubbled from my lips. Something that hadn't happened with a stranger for some time. Even though I found Garrett attractive, a part of me felt guilty for thinking of hanging out with him when I'd invited Edward to the beach, even if it was a last minute thing.

"Thanks, but my roommate's cousin is in town. He just moved here and I don't want to leave him."

Garrett nodded, giving me a dimpled smile. "I get that. It's very sweet of you. Maybe I'll see you around?"

"Yeah."

He gave me a friendly wave and tugged Jake toward the beach.

I stayed out in the water, enjoying the movement of the ocean before finally making my way back to our spot. Edward was in the same place I'd left him, with Emmett nowhere in sight. I plopped down on my towel, the sand clinging to my damp toes. The silence between us was awkward, and I felt the need to fill it, but I wasn't quite sure with what.

It surprised me when Edward spoke up first. "It's nice out here."

I wrapped my arms around my knees, the sun warming me. "It is. Busy, but nice. There's a spot on the north side that's much quieter, but the drive's a bit much."

Edward nodded out the corner of my eye. "That might be nice to see."

"We'll get you out there."

Silence followed, and this time it wasn't awkward. We just enjoyed the sun and the smell of the ocean until Emmett came bounding over, kicking sand onto our towels.

"What the fuck, Em?" Edward growled.

The gravelly sound of his voice made my insides clench.

"Dude! Look!" Emmett thrust his hand toward us, a huge shark's tooth sitting in the center of his meaty palm.

Edward snorted and rolled his eyes. "Nice one, cuz."

Emmett beamed with pride before shoving us with his elbows that that he could sit between us and regaled us with his tale.


	10. Chapter 9

**SMeyer owns Twilight, but I own this. **

* * *

****_Thanks to darcysmom for beta'ing and Livieliv79, carenl, and katiewinkles for preading. _

* * *

_A/N: Your reviews have been amazing. I love you guys. I have 7 more chapters to write before the fic is completely written. I'll start posting daily when it's complete. _

* * *

_My nose burns and my bones ache with a familiar wanting as I watch her smile. She belongs out there in the water, a mermaid come to the surface to entice mortal men. _

* * *

After our return from the beach, I headed to my room to shower and change. When I made it back downstairs I found Rose putting two frozen pizzas in the oven, one veggie and one meat lover's, while Edward and Emmett watched TV.

"Hey." I hopped up on the counter closest to the stove as Rose slammed the oven door closed.

She dropped the oven mitts and turned toward me, leaning back against the counter. "Hey. How was the beach?"

I looked out into the living room, letting my eyes rake over Edward. I couldn't stop staring at the way his fingers absently rubbed against the smattering of chest hair visible from the neckline of his v-neck tee.

"Yeah, I'd say it went pretty well," Rose quipped, bringing my attention back to our conversation.

Not wanting to give her any more reason to suspect my growing attraction to Edward, I offered up info on Garrett. "It was great. Met a really great guy with a huge ass dog."

Rose smirked. "This must be good if you're willing to share."

I spent the next fifteen minutes talking about Garrett's arms and back, his dimpled smile and his furry companion. It felt good to brag a little, until I looked into the living room to find Edward glaring at me. As soon as our eyes met he looked away, but I just knew something I'd said had upset him.

I sighed to myself. I just couldn't win with him.

The four of us ate pizza in front of the TV as the boys watched an episode of American Chopper.

"I hate that those bastards make so much fucking money off of designing." He lifted his hands and mimicked air quotes before continuing with his rant. "They don't really build those bikes. It's all ordered in or labored out!" Edward's outburst at the TV caught us all by surprise, and I shoved another piece of pizza in my mouth so I wouldn't say something stupid.

"They're still building, dude," Emmett argued between sips of his root beer.

Edward snorted. "No, dude. That is not bike building. Jesse James builds bikes. Those fuckers just put the pieces of the puzzle together."

I wasn't sure why the discussion was so serious, but the look on Edward's face let me know that this was something he was passionate about. It was nice to see him react to something with the way he kept so quiet and reserved.

Rose chimed in, using the opportunity to get Edward to talk more. "Are you looking for a mechanic shop in town for bikes or cars?"

Edward shrugged. "Cars I guess. I want to do bikes on the side once I get my own place. Somewhere with a garage."

We had absolutely no space much less room for a garage. When people came over they had to park on the street.

"Hm. I can ask my dad about the shop he takes his cars to. I could put in a good word for you if you wanted." Rose shrugged and took another bite of her pizza.

I watched Edward's expression change, his eyes softening before they immediately hardened again, that wall going right back up.

"Nah, it's ok. I wouldn't want you sticking your neck out for me." Edward brushed it off and I bit my tongue not wanting to stick my nose where it didn't belong.

With her mouth full Rose added, "Well, if you change your mind."

He gave her a curt nod and took another pull from his root beer, conversation lulling as we went back to watching TV.

After dinner I put the leftover pizza away and tidied up the kitchen before slipping out for a walk. I found myself down at Lynch's Irish Pub, a local favorite, and took seat at the bar, ordering a Guinness while the voices of the crowd roared around me. I sipped on my beer, wanting to just relax away from home...away from Edward.

He was everywhere now.

In my house.

In my mind.

I felt a tap on my shoulder, and turned to find Garrett smiling down at me. "Fancy seeing you here, Bella."

The grin that pulled at my lips made his eyes light up, and I felt a flutter deep in my chest. Feeling playful I teased, "Are you stalking me? Did you train Jake to sniff me out in a crowd?"

He laughed loudly, his broad shoulders shaking and his Adam's apple bobbed. I had the sudden urge to lean over and lick it.

"Nope. I swear. I found you all on my own."

I pursed my lips and narrowed my eyes. "Sure."

Garrett held up his hands in surrender, shaking his head from side to side. "I'm telling the truth!"

"In that case, sit down and have a drink with me." He didn't waste any time taking the empty stool next to me and when his hand accidentally brushed against my thigh I didn't really mind.


	11. Chapter 10

**SMeyer owns Twilight, but I own this. **

* * *

_Thanks to darcysmom for beta'ing and my girls carenl, katiewinkles, and livieliv79 for prereading. _**  
**

* * *

_A/N: I've got about 6 or so more chapters to write before I can start updating daily. I hope you're enjoying this story as much as I am writing it. _

* * *

_I watch her every move, her presence like the perfect drug. Drug I feel as if I've traded one vice for another and I'm not sure I can stay away from her anymore. _

* * *

The two weeks after my drink with Garrett flew by. Not only had my book writing taken off, but the awkwardness between Edward and I had disappeared. It was strange at first, having conversations with him, not knowing where his mood was or how he'd react to something I'd say.

It was exciting and scary.

It turned me the fuck on and that terrified me.

What kind of girl did that make me?

I liked his angry eyes, cool calm jade melting into stormy deep evergreen, and the way he rubbed a hand over his buzzed head in frustration. But most of all I loved his smile, when his lips curled back from his porcelain white teeth and his eyes crinkled at the ends, it was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen.

There was something that lurked just beneath the surface of every movement. Every word he spoke, a silent language that echoed a warning, an instinctive alarm of predator to prey. But I chose not to listen. Instead, I embraced his quiet conversations and his passion for fixing things.

I couldn't help but wonder if maybe that was the root of his problem. Maybe something happened in his life and he couldn't fix it.

We didn't talk about it though. I never brought up his reasons for coming to Jacksonville, and he never asked about my dad. It was safer that way.

On Saturday night, when Rose and Emmett were out to dinner, I sat on the couch texting Garrett about our week when Edward came in. He slid his sunglasses onto the table with his keys, and glanced my way. I looked up from my phone to see him staring, his eyes hard and unyielding. There was a determination in his features I'd never seen before.

"Talking to Garrett again?" His voice was cold and distant, and his tone stung.

I rolled my eyes. "Yeah. He wants to take me out tomorrow."

I wasn't sure why I lied. I knew Garrett wanted to date me, he'd said as much, but I kept him at arm's length, a part of me holding out for something more.

"Are you going?"

His question caught me off guard.

"I...don't know," I drawled slowly.

"That's a woman for you. You've been talking to him for weeks, flirty and coy. How do you think that makes him feel?" Edward started pacing back and forth in front of the kitchen, his jaw set in a hard line before he started speaking again. "You can't...you can't just do that."

Anger flared inside of me at his words. He didn't know anything about my friendship with Garrett. When he turned to face me, the determination in his expression melting into hurt, the anger left me, dispersing like the morning fog.

"Edward," I started, but he cut me off with a wave of his hand.

"No."

Before I could ask what he was saying no to, he closed the gap between us, striding across the living room and towering over me. The determination was back, and as his hand slid into my hair, the rough pads of his fingers pressing into my scalp, I shivered and closed my eyes, enjoying the warmth of his touch, his breath on my face. When I opened my eyes I could see the decision to act click in his stare, a switch flipped on.

He lowered his head, his mouth inches from mine. "You make me fucking crazy. I don't know how to stop this."

Confused by his words I just blinked up at him, my eyelids heavy as I breathed him in.

Suddenly his lips were hard and fierce against my own. I melted, suspended between his touch and his kiss. He surrounded me, covered me as his open mouth moved hotly over mine. It was electric, blue flames of desperation igniting with each lick of his tongue.

My heart beat painfully against my ribs, a thrill shooting up my spine.

Edward was kissing me, kissing me with such abandon that I was grateful I was sitting down.

When he groaned into my mouth, the vibrations traveling over my moist lips, I answered with a moan, praying he'd never stop.

My sounds did the opposite. Slowly, his mouth stopped its delicious attack, his tongue retreating. His warm breath washed over my face as he pulled back, eyes searching my face. Anguish overtook his beautiful features, marring the passionate stare he'd given me moments before, and I knew, I knew he regretted ever touching me.

Hot tears clouded my vision and Edward cursed a low "fuck" before turning away from me. I fell back against the cushions absorbing all that happened, my mind racing through his outburst, his lips, and finally his rejection.

"Fuck, Bella." His voice was pained and I turned my head, not wanting to look at him any longer.

His footsteps padded against the carpet as I stared out into the night, the door handle creaking as he opened the door, and the sound of wood scraping against wood as he closed it behind him.

When I was sure he was gone, I pulled my legs up to my chest and finally let the tears fall.


	12. Chapter 11

**SMeyer owns Twilight, but I own this. **

* * *

****_Thanks as always to my lovely team You guys are the best. _

* * *

A/N: This is for ordinaryvamp cos she makes my life. Your support keeps me going.

* * *

_I ache for her lips, the ones I'd tasted with my own. I ache for the fluid movement of her tongue. The rush from her kiss: addicting, unmatched by anything I'd ever put in my body. I need more. _

* * *

I avoided Edward at all costs, even going so far as to use the balcony stairs in Rose and Emmett's room for my nighttime run, slipping in and out undetected.

It was Rose that put a stop to my sneaking out.

"What the hell is going on?" Rose folded her arms across her chest as she leaned against the bathroom wall.

I glanced at her in the mirror as I continued to put on my eye makeup. "It's nothing."

She made a disbelieving grunt and arched a perfectly shaped eyebrow at me. "Try again, BB."

I slammed the eye pencil down on the counter and shut my eyes, desperate to keep the hurt at bay, even as it threatened to overflow. I gritted my teeth, the last barrier, a dam holding back my words.

She leaned over, a hand on my shoulder, a familiar comfort I knew so well.

With a heavy sigh I stood up straight and faced my best friend. "Edward...kissed me."

Her eyes widened, and I would've laughed at her expression had the circumstance been different. It took her a minute or two to comprehend what I said.

"Like...kiss kissed you? On the mouth?"

I nodded, chewing on my bottom lip in nervousness.

"So what happened to make you avoid him? Cause I have to tell you, BB. He was lurking outside your door the other night like he wanted to talk to you. I gave him the bitch face and he went back downstairs."

"He just...left. I mean, he pulled away and looked down at me, started talking to himself a little and then he left."

The insecurity I felt when he left came back, pressing hard on my chest as I tried to keep myself from crying.

Why did he affect me so?

"And you haven't talked to him since?"

I shook my head. "No. I'm embarrassed and hurt."

"Maybe you should talk to him. We know he's not in the best place, but I'm sure he didn't purposely want to hurt you."

It was possible that Rose was right, but I didn't know what to say to him.

Sorry kissing me was a shitty move on your part and you regret it. Let's be friends.

As the words flowed through my brain I realized I didn't want to be Edward's friend. I wanted more.

"Yeah, and he's in no position to deal with clingy girls with emotional issues." My words were a harsh bite, but it was the truth.

"I didn't say you two should get married and ride into the sunset, BB. Just that maybe you guys can relate to each other, help each other out. Maybe work out some of that tension."

I eyed her suspiciously and Rose wiggled her eyebrows suggestively.

"Uh uh! No way! Sure, if I was just looking for a hard fuck I'd take it, but it's not like that! I won't...you know I can't," I croaked, emotion thick in my voice.

Rose pulled me into her arms, her hand stroking the back of my hair soothingly. "I really didn't mean it like that. I promise. I was just trying to lighten the mood. You know I'd never push you to do something like that."

I nodded against her shoulder as she held me. I felt so lost, like a small child.

"Just talk to him. He looks as miserable as you do."

"Okay. I'll try." Her arms dropped from around my shoulders and I turned to the mirror, checking that my makeup wasn't ruined.

"Em and I are going to meet Daddy for lunch. Edward's got an interview with a shop off of Beach Boulevard later this afternoon." Rose leaned in and kissed my cheek before leaving me to finish getting ready.

When I made it downstairs, Edward was on the couch, book in hand, the TV volume low. I fingered the edge of my blouse as I worked up the courage to go in the living room.

"Come and sit down, Bella." Edward's voice made me jump in surprise, but I found myself doing as I was told.

He didn't even look up from his book as I came around the couch and took a spot on the end.

Edward closed the tattered novel with care and placed it on the table in front of us, turning in his seat so he could face me. His eyes were haunted and deep and my skin prickled under his gaze. He reached a hand out, placing it on mine resting on the cushion. I shivered at the memory of his fingers against my scalp, rough skin that now brushed along the top of my hand. An ache bloomed in my chest and I closed my eyes, not wanting to feel what was coursing through me: hurt, lust, hope.

Edward placed his fingers under my chin, tipping my head up. "Don't. Don't hide your eyes from me."


	13. Chapter 12

**SMeyer owns Twilight, but I own this. **

* * *

_Thanks to Katiewinkles, carenl, and livieliv79. Darcysmom will be back on beta'ing next chapter. _

_A/N: The reviews for the last chapter were fantastic. Thank you for sticking with me. You guys are the best. _

* * *

_Her absence is like a cancer, eating away at my insides until all that's left is a festering wound of lonliness. I have to talk to her, make her see. It wasn't that I didn't want her. God how I want her. It's that she shouldn't want me. _

* * *

I opened my eyes and met Edward's unwavering stare that forced me to comply, my walls coming down inch by inch.

He gave a small smile and dropped his hand. I missed the warmth of his fingers as soon as it vanished.

"Edward, I..."

He lifted his hand and stopped me mid-sentence.

"Let me say what I need to say and then you can have your turn, ok?"

I nodded and waited for him to continue.

"I shouldn't have kissed you the way I did."

My eyes drifted to my lap and I sucked my bottom lip into my mouth, knowing he was going to let me down gently.

"Just...wait until I'm done before you jump to conclusions!" Edward's tone ripped through the quiet room, each word laced with pain and frustration.

I looked back up, eyes wide.

"Your eyes, Bella." He laughed humorlessly. "Your eyes are just what people say. They're the windows to your soul. They're so expressive that even I can read them."

I don't think a man had ever paid much attention to my eyes before.

"I said I shouldn't have kissed you the way I did, not that I shouldn't have kissed you. You're a beautiful woman, Bella. Kind and smart and just so full of life. I basically forced myself on you, and when you moaned, god that sound." He shook his head, closing his eyes as if drawing on the memory of our kiss.

My lips tingled with my own recollection as he continued. "I couldn't keep going. I couldn't just...take from you. Do you understand?"

I did understand, but he didn't. He hadn't taken anything from me that I wasn't willing to give.

"Now who's jumping to conclusions? You act like I didn't want to kiss you. Believe me I did...I do. But you've got some misguided notion that I need protecting from you. In case you haven't noticed, I'm a grown fucking woman, Edward!"

Edward grunted in protest and opened his mouth to retort, but I wasn't going to let him do this.

"Stop it! You've taken something so incredibly hot, something I hadn't felt in a long time, and you turned it into this ugly, painful thing!"

Entranced, I watched as his eyes narrowed and he pursed his lips. "You wanted to kiss me?"

I gave an incredulous scoff. "Are you serious right now? Want me to stroke your ego for you?"

Edward snapped and launched himself at me, wrapping his arms around my back and pressing his lips to mine. This time I wasn't going to let him pull away when his brain caught up with his dick. I pressed one hand to the back of his neck, feeling the hot skin beneath my palm as the other slid up the back of his shirt, fingers digging into the toned muscles.

Surprisingly, Edward let me control the kiss, opening his mouth to my tongue as I bravely slid onto his lap, my knees on either side of his hips as I kissed him the way I wanted to. He was hard and hot beneath me, and I relished that I affected him just as much he did me.

It took everything I had not grind down on him, to feel his jean-clad cock rub against me in the most delicious way. Instead, I nipped and sucked at his lips, pulling his tongue into my mouth as his hands roamed over my back and then down to my ass where he squeezed.

Needing to breathe, I pulled away from his mouth, my lips and cheeks tingling from his stubble as we both panted in the tense atmosphere.

Edward chuckled, light and free and pressed his face into my neck. "You know, when I got on the plane to come here, I had no idea what to expect. I certainly hadn't planned on you."

Warmth spread through me, hot and comforting.

I kept my voice light, even as my heart thudded in my chest. "Want to get a bite to eat after your interview? I know this really great seafood place."

Edward pulled back and looked up at me. "Yeah. I'd like that. Speaking of interview. I'd better get in the shower."

I tried not to picture him wet and naked, but it didn't work. Images of hot water cascading over his inked chest bombarded my brain.

"Penny for your thoughts? Actually from the look on your face I think I know what's going through that head of yours."

I gasped, an embarrassingly girly sound, and Edward threw his head back, a full belly laugh echoing through the room. I smacked his arm and huffed in annoyance. Things weren't starting off on the right foot at all.

Edward helped me off his lap and slid from the couch, sauntering up the stairs, his dying laughter music to my ears as he disappeared into the bathroom, leaving me to my imagination.


	14. Chapter 13

**SMeyer owns Twilight, but I own this. **

* * *

_A/N: Thanks to Katiewinkles, carenl, and Livieliv79_.

_Thanks for all the reviews. You guys are so amazing. I can't wait until MarchHare5 can read this..._

* * *

_Stepping into the shop, breathing in the grease and exhaust fumes, was like coming home. I wanted the job, to get my hands dirty, to make something of myself, and maybe give me a reprieve from the constant thoughts of soft hair and even softer skin. _

* * *

It might have been creepy, watching from the window as Edward got out of the cab on the street and walked to the front door. The smile I loved so much was back and I could only hope that he'd gotten good news from the interview. I quickly busied myself with straightening the couch pillows as the doorknob turned and Edward opened the door, sunshine spilling into the living room around the shadow of his silhouette.

"How did it go?" I asked, turning to face him.

Edward's smile never faltered and I could see a trace of pride in his expression. "I got it! I got the job."

In a move that threw me off guard, Edward strode across the room and pulled me into his arms, picking me up and squeezing me tight, much like Emmett did when he was excited. His heart hammered against my chest and I hummed as the distinct smell of Edward wrapped around me.

"That's so great. I'm happy for you."

Slowly, he set me down on my feet, his hand cupping my cheek before his lips met mine. Instead of the raw, fiery passion from earlier, this was smooth and fluid, like the ripple of gentle waves.

He broke the kiss with a relieved laugh. "I'm so fucking happy."

I could definitely tell. His whole body was pulled tight with excitement, all traces of his normal sour mood gone.

Placing a hand on my hip I asked, "So you're still up for lunch?"

Edward nodded furiously. "You bet." We left the house a few moments later, and I drove us to the Seafood Kitchen. Edward eyed the hole in the wall warily, but I grabbed his hand and squeezed it in assurance. "I know it looks a little ratty, but it's got the best seafood in town."

I dropped his hand and he followed me inside the tiny restaurant, the smell of fried seafood filling the air as the hostess greeted us.

Her eyes went straight to Edward, taking in his tall form. I watched with amusement as her eyes widened when they reached his face, his killer body only enhanced by his gorgeous features. I honestly couldn't blame the woman. Edward was incredibly handsome. The hostess glanced at me, her expression almost apologetic. I shrugged and gave her a smile to let her know we were definitely on the same page.

She cleared her throat awkwardly. "Just two?" Her eyes bounced between Edward and me.

"Yeah," Edward answered.

She motioned for us to follow and placed us at the table in the back, near a small window. Edward grabbed a menu and began to peruse the selection as the hostess left us to ourselves.

"Damn, all of it sounds so good." I could hear the rumble of hunger in his tone.

"Yeah, it's all pretty amazing. Haven't tried anything I haven't liked yet." I offered, taking a look at my own menu.

The waitress came by and took our drink order. Edward opting for unsweet tea while I chose sweet. Once she came back we ordered, me the fried shrimp platter, and Edward the fried shrimp and oysters.

"When do you start work?" I asked, trying to keep up the good vibe we had going.

Edward took a sip of his tea and sat back in his chair, arms folded across his chest. "Monday. I'll be working from seven to three, every other weekend off."

As we waited for our food we traded questions, each one helped both of us relax a little more. By the time we were stuffed full I'd learned that Edward was an only child, the his favorite color was black, and a whole slew of facts that helped paint a better picture of the man who sat across from me.

When we got back home I wasn't sure what to do. I wanted to spend more time with him, maybe even kiss him again, but I grew nervous as he took a seat on the couch. Eventually, I said fuck it, and sat next to him picking at a loose piece of string on the hem of my blouse.

"This is fucking awkward, right?" Edward gave a short laugh and I couldn't help but return it.

It was awkward.

I glanced at him, the rough stubble on the line of his jaw, the pale skin of his neck. I wanted to taste him right there. Just as I made a move to scoot closer, the doorknob on the front door turned and Emmett and Rose came walking in.

Rose's face was lit with a beaming smile, and Emmett was shifting anxiously behind her.

"I'm glad you're both here. I...well, we have some good news." Rose came over and sat down as she continued. "Mommy and Daddy offered to loan us the money for a downpayment on a house."

My jaw dropped in surprise, hurt snaking its way into my gut.

They were moving?

Leaving me to start their own life?

I swallowed back the rising bile, and plastered a smile on my face. I grabbed her hand, squeezing it in reassurance. "That's great, guys. I'm happy for you two." Emmett smiled and cut his eyes to Edward. I turned and looked to the quiet man next to me. His brow was furrowed as he glanced down at mine and Rose's hands.

"Ed?" Emmett asked.

Edward snapped out of whatever thoughts were swimming in his head, his own fake smile slipping into place. "That's great, dude."

Great.

I tried telling myself it was great, that they deserved it, but I couldn't help but feel like I was getting left behind...alone.


	15. Chapter 14

**SMeyer owns Twilight, but I own this. **

* * *

Thanks to katiewinkles, carenl, and livieliv79.

* * *

A/N: Go tell Cris to give me a Wisp POV and I'll write a whole EPOV chapter. Enjoy.

* * *

_I hadn't been this nervous inn a long time. Normally I'd get high and not give a shit, but I wouldn't take that route. I wanted to remember Bellas laugh and the way she pushed her hair over her shoulder, revealing the soft skin of her neck. Her beauty was my new drug. _

* * *

Edward proved to be the perfect distraction over the next week as Rose and Emmett started looking for a house. We spent more time together, visiting my favorite places in town and helping him find a mode of transportation.

I decided to let him set the pace of whatever it was that was going on between us, but after seeing him straddling a motorcycle in the parking lot of a small auto shop, I thought I'd combust right there on the pavement. He looked so sure and strong as he leaned over the tank, the handlebars low, keeping his upper body stretched across the frame.

It was as if he climbed straight into my fantasies.

When we got back to the house from looking at the bike I couldn't stop myself from pushing him up against the wall, a gasp leaving his lips as my mouth latched onto the colored skin of his neck.

"Want you," I mumbled, my fingers going straight to the button on his jeans.

I did want him. So badly. I knew in my heart that this was right for me. In that moment I made peace with my past, the person I was before, who chased away her grief with meaningless sex. What I felt for Edward was more than just a physical desire. There was a longing to know who he really was inside.

Focusing on the man in front of me, I peppered the column of his throat with hot, open-mouthed kisses, my tongue flicking against his hammering pulse. Relishing in the way he shivered beneath me, I tugged down the zipper, each click of metallic teeth signaling I was closer to his cock beneath the heavy denim.

"Fuck!" Edward's voice was hard and full of want, much like the firm flesh I pressed my palm against.

"Oh my god, you're so fucking hard." My words were followed by a thrust of his hips, driving his cock roughly against my hand.

In my lust-filled daze I couldn't recall ever feeling something so perfect. My hand drifted into the slit of his boxer briefs, a tantalizing touch of granite covered in silky smooth skin. With my mouth settled over his collar bone I panted, trembling against his chest as I continued to explore his body. My head dropped, eyes trained on my hands, as I moved my hand out of his briefs and tugged them down with his pants.

The denim and cotton fell to the floor and I followed, my bare knees meeting smooth carpet.

"Please," came Edward's strangled cry, and I looked up to find his stormy eyes trained on my mouth that was mere centimeters from the tip of his cock.

Watching his face, memorizing his furrowed brow and parted lips, I leaned forward, tracing the delicate ridge f his cock before slowly licking the tiny hole that seeped his salty precum. The taste was bitter on my tongue, but I wanted more. Slowly, I closed my lips over the head and sucked him further into my mouth. With my tongue, I traced the thick veins on the underside of his shaft, the tip of his cock pressing into the roof of my mouth until it slid across the soft palate behind to meet the back of my throat.

Edward's hand flew to my hair, gripping the strands tightly before loosening his hold. But I didn't want him to stop. Bringing my hand to his, I squeezed his long fingers and he followed reflexively, tugging at my locks until I was moaning around his cock.

"Fuck! You like that, baby?" His words rumbled deep and fierce as he did it again, pulling until my eyes rolled back in my head and I swallowed around his cock.

"Holy shit!" he gasped, his head hitting the wall behind him with a muted thud.

His hips began to move as I set a smooth, deep pace, his fingers uncurling only to tighten once more around my roots as his body moved in sync with my mouth. I swallowed and slurped, the wet sounds of my lips and tongue rivaling the loud grunts and moans that came from Edward.

Our sounds made me ache, painful and deep, between my legs. I wanted him there, for him to touch me, taste me...fuck me. Instead, I pressed my palm against my center, desperate for the tiniest jolt of pleasure as I sucked him harder.

I didn't realize I started to rub and rock against my hand until Edward's words cut through the heady air.

"Are you touching yourself? Fuck, you are. God, please, baby, I want to see it. Want to see you touch that..." his words were cut off by a strained moan that ripped through him, his cock pulsing in my mouth as he came unexpectedly.

Swallowing as quickly as I could, I watched his face, contorted in pure pleasure. He was so beautiful, flushed cheeks and closed eyes. A thin trail of his release seeped from the corner of my mouth. Edward shuddered and pulled me forward on his cock as he finally emptied all he had to give.

His eyes were lidded, and he gasped for breath, a sheen of sweat covering his forehead as he dropped his chin to his chest and watched as I slowly pulled away, letting his cock slide out of my mouth. His whole body quaked as I sat back on my heels and swiped a finger at the edge of my mouth, not bothering to hide as I licked the remnants of his release from my skin.

"Bella," Edward whispered almost reverently.

Flashing him a seductive smile, I stood up. "Want to go upstairs?"

[


	16. Chapter 15

**SMeyer owns Twilight, but I own this. **

* * *

_Thanks as always to Katiewinkles, the apple of my pie. Carenl and Livieli79, you ladies are awesome. _

* * *

_A/N: Cris gave me Wisp's POV so in a few chapters you'll be getting an EPOV outtake. Please be patient. _

_I'm sorry for the wait this chapter. I didn't have any interwebs other than my phone and if you could see my iPhone you'd understand the fail. Hope you enjoy this one. _

* * *

_Fucking bliss. Her mouth was bliss, but it was her body that wrapped me in sensations I'd only ever dreamed of. With the call of her form, decadent and sinful, I gave in to the torment and finally tasted her, feasting on porcelain skin as my hands explored her precious curves._

* * *

My vision cleared from the lusty haze that had taken over as I focused on the fact that Edward and I were about to have sex. Not wanting to miss a single detail, I memorized the tension in his neck, his pulse point that beat wildly beneath my tongue, the hunger in his eyes as they roamed my naked body.

My breaths matched his, deep lungfuls of humid air. Our chests pressed together, slick with sweat as he settled on top of me.

When his cock brushed the sensitive flesh between my legs I gasped, my knees falling open, welcoming him. My blunt fingernails dug into his shoulders, my arms wrapped around him, pulling us ever closer. I wanted to feel all of him, feel the weight of his body, the pulse of his cock.

A strangled "please" tore from my lips and Edward's head dropped to my shoulder, his breaths coming in short pants as he gripped himself. He pressed the tip of his cock against my clit, delicious jolts of pleasure shooting through me, before he dragged it down to my moist entrance . Instead of pushing in right away, he moved back up, parting my folds, coating his latex-covered tip with my arousal before rubbing my clit once more.

"More," I moaned, my hands going to his firm ass, pulling him closer, begging with my words and hands for him to finally get inside me.

Edward shook his head, the buzzed hairs across his scalp brushing against my cheek. "It's been so long. You'll feel too good."

I couldn't help but giggle at his words. He'd used his fingers to make me come only minutes before and I was already so close to another orgasm with just the head of his cock rubbing over my clit.

Wanting to soothe him, I ran the tips of my fingers up his back; slow strokes up and down. "Don't worry about that. I'm pretty sure once you're all the way inside me I'll explode."

Edward's groan was pained as the head of his cock slipped back to my entrance.

"You can't say shit like that and expect me not to come."

The way he spoke so freely about his want made gooseflesh erupt across my skin, each one chasing the next until my scalp tingled. I felt beautiful and wanted. Edward made me feel things I never thought I would again.

Bringing my legs up toward my chest, I spread my knees, opening myself up to him even more.

"I need you inside me. I'm not meaning to tease, it's just that I want you so much."

Edward pulled himself up on one hand, hovering over me. His stormy eyes searched my face and then dipped lower to take in the blush I knew was spread across my breasts, all the way down to my tight nipples. His eyes closed briefly before opening again, and he stared into mine as he finally slipped inside me.

I ached with each inch, from the wide girth of his cock to the suspended pleasure of finally being filled. It was the perfect balance of pain and pleasure.

Shutting my eyes I enjoyed the feel of him and my body shook as his pelvis pressed flush against mine. My walls clenched involuntarily, desperate for his length and Edward's elbows buckled at the sensation of my pussy squeezing him.

"Fuck!" His curse of surprise made me laugh, which only worked my muscles harder.

Edward growled, a low and frustrated sound, before he snapped his hips back, his length rapidly sliding out of me, before he slammed back in. I yelped, the force of his thrust knocking my headboard against the wall, and scooting me further up the mattress.

"Such a fucking tease," he gritted out, his hips pumping harder.

I wailed embarrassingly loud, a keening sound that was full of desperation and longing. Each snap of his hips drove his cock deeper, harder inside of me, until I was a whimpering mess. He fucked me into the mattress with a relentless determination that had me soaring. When the rough pad of his finger rubbed swift circles over my clit I exploded, his name mixed with "Oh my gods" and "fuck yes."

He chased my release with his own, never letting up his thrusts as his cock twitched inside me. His shoulders shook beneath my fingers as he raised his head, pressing his mouth to mine in a needy, hungry kiss.

When he finally pulled away I fought back a whine, my whole body demanding more. As Edward tried to catch his breath, his lips pulled into a blissful smile; his entire face radiating joy and happiness. It was the most beautiful sight in the world.

I bit my lip to hide my answering grin.

I did that.

I made him feel that way.

And I wanted to do it again.


	17. Chapter 16

**SMeyer owns Twilight, but I own this. **

* * *

_Thanks to my Winkster. I flove you like I flove tentacles. Carenl and Livieliv79 preread like a boss. ily. _

* * *

A/N: Thanks for the support of this story. All the reviews have been so amazing and I appreciate it so much!

* * *

_What do you say to the woman who blows your mind? Thanks for the orgasms? Can I have another? As Bella slept peacefully next to me I warred with the desire to wake her...again. Or slip out of her bed and go to the couch. I listened to Bella's rhythmic breathing as my eyes grew heavy, a whisper of my name in the dark the last sound before I fell asleep. _

* * *

Slowly, I was pulled from the recesses of sleep by a heavy weight across my chest. I cracked my eyes open and looked down, my hair rustling on the pillow behind me. In a sleepy haze I could make out the top of Edward's head, hot puffs of air blowing across my left nipple where he lay nuzzled against my boob.

I smiled, my cheeks aching from the movement as memories of the night washed over me.

I had sex with Edward.

I had sex with him more than once. And it was amazing.

One particular memory flashed in my mind: Edward's face nestled between my thighs, his scruff scraping against my sensitive skin as he spoke softly, reverently in the dark.

"It's been a while for me, but I'm pretty sure I've never seen a pussy so pretty. I didn't know a woman could be so...fucking pink and perfect. And your clit, baby, fuck it's so perfect, tiny and begging to be licked. Can I?"

His eyes were filled with adoration and hunger as he looked up at me, my stomach and my heart clenching at his words.

"Can you what?" The screaming I'd done during the round before made my voice hoarse.

"Can I lick you?" To emphasize his words, he ran the flat of his tongue up my thigh, the wetness cooling from the fan that circled above.

My teeth dug into my bottom lip as I nodded shyly. I'd had guys go down on me before, but none had seem so enthralled with what I looked like or tasted like. None of them had the undeniable want written across their face like Edward had.

Instead of going straight to my clit, his tongue ran through my slick, swollen folds and I threw my head back with a loud cry.

He was relentless after that, sucking and licking, even nibbling on my clit until I came with long drawn out moans. Even after that he continued to tease and taste until I had to forcefully push his head away and close my legs.

Edward stirred, pulling me from my memories. He mumbled something as he rubbed his cheek against my breast, tickling my skin as he gravitated toward my nipple in his sleep. It wasn't until he opened his mouth and licked his lips that I knew how close he was. The very tip of his tongue touched my puckered flesh and a needy groan slipped past my lips before I could stop it.

He hummed happily and I felt another lick, this one more determined than the last and I knew he was awake.

"Okay, get up," I ordered playfully, pushing against his shoulders.

Edward shook his head and wrapped his arms around my middle, securing me in his hold. "Don't want to."

I really needed to go to the bathroom, so I wiggled one arm free and dug the tips of my fingers into his side causing him to jerk away with laughter. "Hey!"

With his guard down I slipped out of bed and grabbed his t-shirt from the floor, pulling it over my head as I moved to the bathroom. I shut the door as Edward groaned, my giggle echoing in the tiny room.

I hardly recognized the girl in the mirror, my lips swollen from Edward's kisses were pulled into a wide smile, my eyes bright and full of happiness. I felt feather-light, as if I were floating in the clouds. The ache between my legs is equal parts pleasure and pain, a reminder of how he'd filled me. Edward read my body like a map, taking each cue and giving me exactly what I needed.

After I was done, I opened the bathroom door to find Edward sitting on the bed, the sheet wrapped around his waist.

When he heard me he turned his head, a crooked smile on his lips. "Em just texted me. Apparently they were at Rose's parents' place real late and wound up staying over. He wanted to know if I'd meet him for breakfast."

I fidgeted nervously. I wasn't sure if Edward planned on telling Emmett about us. "Uh, yeah, you should go. Um, do you plan on...you know...telling him about..." My words trailed off as I motioned between us.

Edward shifted on the bed to face me. "I wasn't planning on telling him. It's none of his business really. But I don't mind if you would rather he know about it."

I shook my head. They had enough going on right now and I didn't want any potential problems. If there was anything more to whatever was going on between us, then I'd tell Emmett. Until then I was happy to keep things the way they were.


	18. Chapter 17

**SMeyer owns Twilight, but I own this. **

**thanks to katiewinkles, carenl, and livieliv79.**

****A/N: thanks fir all the love, esp for my o/s for Taste of Forbidden. You guys are awesome.

_I'm not sure I like the way Bella looks at me, like she's curious and afraid at the same time, though I suppose she should be. I'm not Prince Charming. I'm Rumpelstilskin, the trickster. I am a lying thief to the bine. Corrupting and destroying all that is good and pure. But I am also selfish. Selfish enough to take her, to covet every tiny part of herself she'll give me. _

One thing I learned about Edward over the next few weeks was that he was incredibly playful when he wanted to be. He'd find ways to touch me when no one was looking, or tug on the end of my ponytail as he slid out the screen door to have a smoke in the backyard. It was exciting and even a little bit sweet.

I wasn't sure what brought out the change in him, whether it was having a new start on life or the freedom from his past. Part of me hoped that I might have something to do with it, but I wasn't ready to face the severity of what that could mean for me.

Emmett and Rosalie spent a lot more time with Rose's parents for house hunting and loan approvals, so we were left on our own more. That meant sex...lots of sex. It also meant that Edward started to loosen up around me, become more comfortable in his skin, without so many eyes on him.

It wasn't that Emmett and Rose monitored Edward's every movement, but there was tension in the air. I could feel it and I knew Edward could too. I tried my hardest to just...go with the flow. I knew he had problems, but they were behind him. Or at least I hoped. There were times when I wondered if he missed the drugs, or why he left Chicago, but when he gave me his imperfect smile and his eyes twinkled with devious mischief those thoughts flew from my mind.

All that was left was us.

Naked and wanting.

"Have you always lived here?" Edward fired off question after question as we walked down to the Pavillion where Back to the Future was playing.

Two guys zipped past us on their bikes as a group of girls in front of us giggled. I rolled my eyes and focused on Edward's question.

"I was born in Forks, Washington. My mom and I moved out here when I was just a baby, but she got sick when I was about three. My dad, even though Renee left him, quit his job and packed up everything he owned and moved down here. He took care of my mom until she passed away and then we just...never left."

Edward looked out over the dunes, his brow furrowed in thought. When he turned to me I could see the sadness in his eyes and I wanted desperately to take it away.

He cleared his throat and grabbed my hand, giving it a squeeze before he finally spoke. "I'm sorry about your mom. Mine died when I was twelve."

I swallowed the heavy lump that sat in my throat.

I didn't know anyone else who had lost a parent. It was sad, but comforting to know that Edward could somehow relate to me.

Not wanting to keep the focus on him, Edward switched back to me. "And your dad?"

We came up on the green grass of the Pavillion lawn and I shook my head, telling Edward without words that I didn't want to go there. I didn't want to focus on the sad anymore. I unrolled the blanket that had been tucked under my arm and spread it across the ground. Edward dropped the cooler and settled in on the flannel fabric, crossing his legs and leaning back on his hands as I pulled out the root beer, spinach dip and chips.

Eventually the next movie started up, Little Shop of Horrors, and my head found Edward's lap where he combed his fingers through my hair. It felt so intimate, even with all the people around us, and I sighed in contentment.

The ocean breeze blew inland, over the dunes and across the crowd. My body shivered and Edward grabbed his zip-up hoodie, draping it over my torso as we watched the movie in silence.

During the walk home, Edward held my hand, our fingers disconnecting as soon as we saw Emmett's Jeep in the driveway. I felt a stab of hurt as Edward walked ahead of me and into the house. An ache settled in my chest at the easy way he could slip from one role to the next.

I pushed away the hurt and followed him inside, closing the door behind me as I plastered on my newly-perfected fake smile.

Rose and Emmett were cuddled up on the couch, their smiles genuine, love radiating from them in vibrant waves. My teeth ground together and a bitter taste lingered on the back of my tongue.

Jealousy.

It was black and vile, threatening to choke me as I swallowed back hurtful words that prickled like throns. I moved toward the stairs, bypassing Edward as he leaned against the wall. I couldn't look at him, afraid he'd see right through me. Afraid that he'd see all the hope and happiness that had slowly begun to grow, curdle like spoiled milk right before his eyes.


	19. Chapter 18

_**SMeyer owns Twilight, but I own this. **  
_

* * *

_Thank you katiewinkles for beta'ing and to carenly and Livieliv79 for prereading. _

* * *

_A/N: Thank you for the reviews and your continued excitement for these updates. Please enjoy. _

* * *

_The itch is there. Ever present and tormenting. It's only Bella that keeps the urge at bay. The feel of her silky skin and her hot, decadent mouth chase the demons away. _

* * *

I didn't come back downstairs for the rest of the night, and when I fell asleep alone I knew Em and Rose were staying in. I was both grateful and disappointed in that fact. Clearly I needed the space from Edward, but at the same time I missed his scorching touch. Not telling Rose and Em about us was something we agreed on, but seeing love blossom between my two closest friends before my eyes was too much.

I wanted something that Edward may never be ready for.

In the morning I found the house empty. The pang of loneliness spiked as I made coffee for one, and I couldn't help but wonder if this was what it would feel like once Emmett and Rosalie moved out and Edward found his own place.

I didn't want to be alone.

With not much else to do I cleaned the downstairs, gathering up Edward's blanket and pillow case and carrying them to the laundry room. As I stood in front of the washer, the sound of running water echoing in the small room, I pressed my face to the blanket and breathed deeply. The scent of Edward filled my nose and flowed into my lungs where I held it in, desperate to have any part of him inside me.

Surely I was crazy for wanting him so much.

After cleaning the house, I drove into town to do some shopping. I walked around the mall, window shopping until I came upon a small dress shop. Inside I moved from rack to rack, searching for something to make me feel good. As I picked out a dark blue dress I felt a tap on my shoulder. Turning, I found Irina, a girl I went to high school with. She looked much better than the last time I saw her; strung out at the women's shelter I'd volunteered at in Atlantic Beach. Her black hair was shiny and pulled back into a smooth ponytail, her skin sun-kissed and healthy.

"I thought that was you, Bella. Did you need any help?"

It was then that I noticed the small name tag on her shirt with the store name on it. "I did want to try this on."

She held her hand out and took the garment from me, motioning for me to follow her.

I awkwardly dressed while Irina chatted from the other side of the door.

"I've been going to NA meetings to help me stay sober. It was that old lady Tanya, at the shelter, that finally made me see what I was doing with my life."

Looking in the mirror, I smoothed my hands over the skirt of the dress, forgetting about the chatty girl a foot away as I wondered if Edward would like the color on me. The dress was snug and ended at my knees, the neckline low and revealing.

I laughed to myself at how silly I was being. I'd never really cared what a man thought about my clothes.

Pushing Edward out of my mind I redressed and pushed the door open to find Irina waiting.

"Good fit?" Her smile was genuine and sweet as I nodded.

She placed the dress in a bag after she rang up my purchase, handing it to me over the counter. "It was so good to see you again."

"You too. And good luck."

As I made my way back to the car my phone rang, Edward's face lighting up the screen. I answered it, trying not to sound too eager. "Hey."

Edward's voice was rough on the other end. "Are you on the way home?"

"Yeah. Is everything okay?" My heart hammered in my chest hoping that he was alright.

"Everything's fine. I'm taking you out tonight."

I blinked in surprise. "O...okay."

"Hurry up, please." His voice was soft then, less demanding, and part of me melted on the spot.

I agreed to hurry before I hung up. As I pulled out of the parking lot it hit me that Edward had said the word _home_.

Unable to stop myself I began to hope that that one simple word was proof that another wall around Edward's heart was coming down.

When I got home, Edward opened the door for me, pulling me inside before shutting the door and pressing me against the wood as his mouth met mine. His kiss was rough, matching the tone of his voice that had replayed in my head the whole way home. My hand slid underneath his shirt, feeling the tight muscles beneath his hot, smooth skin as he caged me in his arms, hands on either side of my head.

Edward's tongue slid fluidly against my mine, tangling and tasting as my shopping bag dropped to the floor. My now free hand pressed against the back of his neck and into the short hairs on his head, scratching my fingernails over his scalp as he groaned into my mouth. When his lower body pressed into mine, I could feel the hardness in his jeans rub against my stomach, his groan turning into a grunt.

He pulled away from my mouth, giving us both a chance to breathe. "Fuck I missed you."

My heart thumped wildly at his words. Knowing that he felt at least a tiny fraction of what I felt had me soaring.

"Mmmm, missed you too," I hummed softly, my eyes closing as I licked my lips, savoring the remnants of our kiss.

Edward pressed his forehead into mine. "Did you find something nice?"

I nodded, a smile playing on my lips. "I did. I guess it was a nice coincidence, huh?"

He let out a light chuckle, his lips pulling into my favorite grin. "Yeah. It is." He leaned in again, pressing a small kiss to my lips. "Go on and get ready. I'm not very patient."

My laugh echoed in the quiet room. "You're still dirty from work!"

Edward looked down at his clothes, grease stains smeared across his chest. He smelled of car and man, which I certainly didn't mind.

"I don't take hours to get ready like some of you woman folk do!" he retorted.

I shook my head. "It's all about presentation, Edward. I'm the present you hope to unwrap. Right?"

He swallowed hard, his eyes darkening right before me. "I definitely plan on unwrapping you later."

Edward snapped his teeth at me playfully and pushed away from the wall, allowing me to grab my bag and head upstairs to get ready for our date.


	20. Chapter 19

**SMeyer owns Twilight, but I own this. **

* * *

_Thanks as always to katiewinkles, my swangst loving peach. Livieliv79 and carenl for being awesmesauce. _

* * *

A/N: You'll be pleased to know that the infamous EPOV chapter dedicated to Cris is finished and will be posted in a few chapters. Also, if you don't have me on alert you might want to remedy that. This holdiay season I'll be continuing my newly established tradition. Holiday Cheer 2.0 will commence December 1st. I've chosen four people who have been supportive or inspirational to me to pick a story line of their choice. Keep an eye out!

* * *

_I have to try. Try to give her nice things. Try to be the man she deserves. I want her so much even thouogh I don't deserve her. Perhaps I can finally have redemption. Surely striving to make an angel smile would get me closer to heaven. _

* * *

I met Edward downstairs and he'd changed into a blue t-shirt and a pair of jeans. He looked so handsome, the vibrant ink standing out against his slightly tanned skin. He smiled and held his hand out to me, my fingers lacing with his as I came down the rest of the steps.

"You look absolutely amazing. I thought about riding the bike, but I'd rather not with you in that dress."

Frowning, I looked down at my outfit. "Do you want me to change?"

I wanted to look nice for him, but he didn't mention if I needed to wear something particular for the date. Feeling self conscious I started to pull my hand from his, but Edward held fast.

"No, baby, you look incredible. I want you just like this."

My face heated with a faint blush and Edward leaned in, pressing his lips to the top of my left cheek. "Come on."

"Okay." I let Edward have the keys and he locked up the house before opening the car door for me.

I giggled at the gentlemanly move. Edward just didn't seem the chivalrous type.

He drove us across the intercoastal bridge and into town, taking the highway to Riverside. The drive was relaxing, his fingers skimming the fabric of my dress as we talked about our day. Edward mentioned he was already getting a few repeat customers and that his boss was encouraging.

"I'm uh...I'm also going to start going to NA meetings. Just to keep on track."

I felt my heart rate pick up. Was he tempted to use again? Would we finally have to talk about what made him leave his hometown?

With a hard swallow I looked at him, gently squeezing his fingers in reassurance. "That's...that's good. Anything to help keep you clean, right?"

Just talking about his addiction made my stomach churn. I didn't like thinking about what he must've been like before he cleaned up. It didn't make it any easier that I had the emotional baggage of my father's death on top of it all, but I cared about Edward and I wanted to be able to support him.

Edward blew out a breath as if he'd been holding it in, waiting for my answer before he gave a small laugh. "Yeah, it will definitely help."

Luckily we were getting close to our destination and Edward got off on Park Street. He drove the small, bumpy road until we reached the parking lot for a restaurant called The Brick. The patio was packed and the smell of grilled meat made my stomach rumble.

Edward raised an eyebrow and looked down at my stomach. "Don't worry. I made reservations." He threw me a smirk and I smacked him on the arm.

He parked and jogged around the car to help me out, keeping his hand in mine as he led us to the entrance of the restaurant. Edward gave them his name and the hostess seated us at a booth near the front window. I ordered a sweet tea and Edward wrinkled his nose.

"Not a fan of sweet tea?" I asked.

Edward shook his head. "Not really. Don't get much of that up north."

A few minutes later we had our drinks and placed our order.

We talked about my writing some as we waited for our food.

"Since I haven't pushed, I think you should tell me your story now," I asked nervously as I twirled some pasta on my fork

Edward looked down at his plate before meeting my eyes again. "I went to rehab after my dad caught me stealing some of my mom's jewelry to buy drugs."

His words hung heavy in the air. Even as the people around us moved on with their meals, I felt as if the world had stopped.

"I don't really remember what happened that night, but he beat the shit out of me. I was too wasted to fight him. He let me sober up in the morning and told me that if I didn't go to rehab that he'd press charges. I didn't want to go to jail. I wasn't too sure someone like me would make it through prison." He tried to make light of the severity of it, but I could hear the bitter tone underneath his words.

I reached across the table and grabbed his hand in mine.

"Even after I got out I couldn't look him in the face. I didn't...don't want to see that diappointment in his eyes. Like I'm nothing."

A pained gasp left my lips at his words. Surely he didn't believe that?

"That's not true, Edward!" I hissed.

He shook his head and argued, "You don't know what it's like to have people look at you like you're worthless. Like you'e nothing more than a fucking cancer."

Tears welled in my eyes as he spoke.

"No one thinks that." Even as the words left my mouth I knew they weren't true. I'd judged him the moment Emmett asked us if Edward could move in.

Edward didn't say anything, his jaw set in a hard line. I could feel the guilt and anger pouring off of him.

I didn't know what to say to him after that. He asked for the check and we got our food boxed up before going back out to the car. My mind raced with all the possibilities, all the outcomes of how the night should have gone. I know he didn't mean to ruin the mood. It was my curiosity that spoiled it.

When we got home Rose and Em were nowhere to be found. Edward put the food away and leaned against the counter. "I'm sorry I ruined our date."

I shook my head. "No, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked."

Edward pushed off the counter and came toward me. His arms wrapped around my shoulders and he pressed his lips to my forehead. Not wanting to talk about it anymore I grabbed his hand and led him upstairs. I undressed slowly, teasing him as he sat on the edge of my bed before helping him remove his clothes. And after he made me cry his name, a soft and pleading sound in the quiet room, he curled his body around mine and we fell asleep.


	21. Chapter 20

**SMeyer owns Twilightm but I own this. **

* * *

Thanks as always to katiewinkles. You are the sugar in my coffee. Thank you carenl and livieliv79. ily, guys.

* * *

A/N: We're getting a bit further along here. Hope you're still enjoying the story. And thank you so much for all the reviews.

* * *

_I'm drowning. Drowning in the memories of my past and the uncertainty of my future. I can't keep my head above water. When I am able to surface it is Bella I see. All her goodness and sweet, sweet touch beclon me to stay afloat. _

* * *

Knowing Edward's past was hard to deal with, but it wasn't as bad as it could have been. He'd stolen from his father, sentimental pieces were lost, but at least his father had forgiven him.

Part of me wished that I could forgive so easily. To forgive the man that murdered my father.

The two weeks following our talk left Edward in a somber mood. He was quieter than usual, but he still spent the nights in my room when no one else was home. On Saturday he came home from work, my favorite smile on his lips as he strode into the kitchen. His eyes were wide and he pulled me into his arms so fast that it made my head spin.

"Missed you," he murmured before kissing me fast and hard.

Edward pressed me back into the counter, the marble digging into my lower back as he assaulted my mouth with wet, drawn-out kisses. I pressed both of my palms to his chest so he'd ease up, wincing as the pressure on my back let up. I managed to break the kiss and blinked up at him, trying to get my bearings straight.

"I missed you too. Not that I'm complaining, but what was that for?"

Edward shrugged and started pacing the length of the kitchen, his hand rubbing over the growing hairs on his head.

"I...uh...I found a small house not too far from here. Got the lease and all that ready to go."

He stopped moving and stood in front of me, his fingers twisting around each other in a sort of nervous tick.

The smile on my face faltered. I knew he was looking for a place, but I'd gotten so used to having him with me that I couldn't help the pang of hurt that reverberated inside me.

First Emmett and Rose, now Edward.

"That's...that's great. I can't wait to see it." I turned back to the counter and continued working on dinner so that he couldn't see the disappointment on my face.

"So, did you have another meeting today?" Edward had been going to his NA meetings at least twice a week, sometimes three if he was having a stressful day. We didn't really talk about what was said during the meetings, but I knew they were helping him.

"I did. Same old, same old."

Edward didn't seem to mind the subject change as he grabbed a bottle of root beer from the fridge. He fidgeted around the kitchen for a few more moments before I told him to put a movie in, hoping that some mindless TV could help him wind down. I guess getting his own place was really putting him on edge.

After dinner was done we ate in front of the TV and watched Repo Men as Edward's leg bounced anxiously. Eventually, he took the empty plate on my knee and put it on the coffee table before pulling me into his lap. His excitement from before hadn't waned as he licked and sucked at my neck, pulling down the neckline of my t-shirt so that he could rake his teeth over my cleavage.

"Fuck! Want you. Right here," Edward groaned as his large arms wrapped around my waist, his face buried in my neck.

It only took a few moments before we were both naked, my knees on either side of his thighs as I lowered myself onto his length. The glow from the TV bathed the dark room in a soft white light as Edward let his head fall back. As I rode him harder, shifting my hips as he gripped my ass, I gripped his chin so he'd look at me. His pupils were dilated in the dark, his soft lips open as he moaned with each rock of my hips.

All my worries about Edward moving, about me being alone, vanished as my orgasm washed over me. I threw my head back, Edward's mouth on my nipple, tugging and teasing as I cried out his name.

We showered together and Edward seemed a little more settled and when we crawled into bed I drifted off quickly, pushing away the unsettled feeling in my gut as Edward wrapped his body around mine.

On Sunday we had dinner at Alice and Jasper's, the six of us sitting around a bonfire in their backyard.

"I'll be right back," Edward whispered as he got up from the adirondack chair next to mine.

I gave him a smile before turning my attention back to Rose. Her eyes flicked to Edward's retreating form, her brow furrowed before she looked back at me.

"We're signing on the house next Friday. Emmett said the boys should be able to move all our stuff that weekend."

I was beginning to feel better about them moving out. I was tired of sneaking around with Edward and they deserved to have a place to call their own.

When I noticed Edward had been gone a while I excused myself and went into the house. I could hear Edward's voice in the next room so I moved down the hall where the bathroom light was on. As I got closer I could hear the worried tone in his voice, but couldn't make out what he was saying.

I walked up to the door and gave it a tap. "You alright?"

Edward's tone dipped low. "Yeah, tomorrow afternoon. Sounds good." He quickly ended the call and opened the door, his eyes bright and shiny.

"You okay?" I asked.

He rubbed his nose before tossing a was of trash into the waste bin. "Yeah, that was work. They need me to stay a little later than normal tomorrow. One of my regulars is going on a trip and needs some work done beforehand."

I smiled, proud that he was bringing the shop such good business. "That's great, babe."

Edward leaned in a kissed me sweetly on the lips, his hands clammy as he gripped my upper arms.

"I'll be right out, okay?"

I nodded and closed the door behind me and rejoined our friends outside.


	22. Chapter 21

**SMeyer owns Twilight, but I own this. **

* * *

_Thanks to katiewinkles for keeping me insane...I mean sane. Carenl and Livieliv79 fr prereading and keeping me going. _

* * *

A/N: So...uh...good luck.

* * *

_They say idle hands are the Devil's playground. As I sit in my empty house alone I have to agree with that statement. I stare down at the little plastic bag on my coffee table and wish that someone would stop, me because I can't do it on my own anymore. _

* * *

I rubbed my sweaty hands on my jeans as I looked over at the clock on the wall. Edward was supposed to pick me up at seven and it was half past that. Reaching for my purse I took out my phone. No missed calls or texts. I slid my finger over the screen, pulling up a picture of us on the beach from last weekend.

When I pulled his number up on the screen I hesitated. A sinking feeling filling my stomach, lead rocks of suspicion that I cover with hope as I dial his number one more time.

Things had been different since our night at Alice's. Edward was preoccupied with work and I usually only saw him when he came over to the house late. He'd been putting in a lot of hours at the shop, slipping into my bed late at night with insistent hands. His hot breaths would pant in my ear as he'd grope me freely, his thrust more relentless than the last, fucking me into the mattress. It wasn't that I didn't like it rough, but a part of me wanted the teasing touches and the reverent fascination he had when we were first together. But having him near, having him buried so deep inside me was all that I truly wanted. With his expert touch he'd have me crying out in the dark before I'd lay next to him as he'd fall into a fitful sleep, tossing and turning, sweat dripping down his temples. And then when I'd wake up in the morning it would be to the sight of Edward getting dressed for work.

I missed him. I missed the part of him I'd barely gotten to know.

Rose and Em found a house and they'd moved in the day after closing. It was a cute, little, three bedroom bungalow off Kernan Boulevard, and we'd all done our share of teasing about them moving across the ditch. They were inlanders now.

I didn't think I'd get used to the quiet and lonliness, but after two weeks I had a new routine.

But I didn't want a new routine.

I wanted Edward, Rose and Em.

With a sigh I pressed the call button and listened to it go straight to voicemail...again.

"Edward, it's me. It's seven-thirty. I don't think we'll make our reservations. I guess...call me tomorrow." I ended the call, my palms still damp as I pushed off the couch.

Through the window I could see people walking down the sidewalk and I suddenly felt like a caged animal. I needed to get out so instead of going upstairs and calling it a night, I grabbed my purse and a sweater before locking the front door behind me and following behind a small group, down to First Street and to Lynch's for a drink. At the front of the line to get in I spotted Alice and one of her waitresses Angela. They waved me over, Alice's slender arms wrapping around my neck.

"I thought you were busy?" she asked.

I shook my head and tried to fight back the sad smile that spread across my face. "Change of plans."

The guilt of hiding my relationship, or whatever I had, with Edward ate at me as she smiled warmly.

"Well, I'm glad you ran into us!" Angela nodded in agreement.

We made it inside a few minutes later and Angela moved toward the bar. "First round's on me."

Alice and I found a table near a dark corner as we waited for Angela to come back. I descreetly checked my phone, hoping that I'd missed a call or text from Edward, but there was nothing.

"Hey, I'm going to run to the bathroom. I'll be right back!" I shouted over the music.

Alice smiled and nodded, and I took off to the ladies room, slipping into a stall to call Edward again.

This time, when it went straight to voicemail, I didn't bother leaving a message.

It didn't take long for me to down a few drinks. After just an hour I'd had enough, so I bid goodnight to Alice and Angela in favor of a cab outside that took me to the one place I wanted to be: Edward's house.

The cab pulled to the side of the road, past Edward's bike and a silver Jetta I'd never seen before.

"Want me to wait?" the cabbie asked.

I nodded and looked back at the small house. The light in the living room was on, but there wasn't any movement behind the sheer curtains. With a deep breath, I started up the walkway and to the front door. With my hand on the doorknob I twisted, the old wood creaking as I pushed it open. The strong smell of cigarette smoke assaulted me as I stepped inside.

"Edward?" My voice echoed through the entryway, followed by a satisfied moan from somewhere in the house, a voice that sounded decidely womanly.

My palms began to sweat, my stomach dropping as my heart thumped wildly in my chest. I stepped around the corner and into the living room.

The sight before me made bile rise in my throat. Edward lay flat on his back on the couch, shirtless, his eyes barely open, one arm behind his head, the other down by his side with a lit cigarette burned almost to the butt between his fingers. The light on the fan overhead was hazy from all the smoke in the room and I wrinkled my nose at the offensive smell. He was so still that I wasn't even sure he was conscious. Straddling his narrow, jean-covered hips, a fully clothed woman was bent over, the distinct sounds of snorting punctuating the silence as she ran her nose along Edward's tattooed chest.

"What the fuck?" I gasped, my buzzed brain finally processing what was happening.

The woman's body stiffened, and slowly she turned to look at me over her shoulder, the familiar dark hair and sun-kissed skin making my stomach roll and tighten. How was it possible that only a few weeks before Irina the bubbly sober woman was now bent over snorting coke without a care in the world? I pressed the palm of my hand against my mouth, hoping that I wouldn't spew the contents of my stomach all over the carpet. Irina's face fell when she saw me, her eyes wide with panic and the high. Just as she moved to get up, her shaky fingers pushing the strap to her tank top over her shoulder, Edward stirred.

"Wh...what...Rina?"

Irina didn't even look his way. With her eyes still fixed on me, she scrambled off of him and grabbed her open purse before running past me, a garbled apology slipping passed her lips. My fingers gripped the corner of the wall as I tried to hold myself up, and as Edward's eyes fell on me, I watched recognition spreadacross his features.

"Bella?" His voice was gravelly, bringing back memories of late nights in bed.

I shook my head, closing my eyes against the tears that began to fall.

"Don't. Just fucking don't."

I turned on my heel and ran, grateful the cab han't left. A sob ripped through me as I got into the car, Edward's shouts and curses trailing after me as he stumbled into the front yard.

"Drive! Please!" I shouted at the cabbie.

The driver put the car into gear and took off down the street. Unable to stop myself, I looked out the back window to see Edward standing in the street, hand on his head as he stared after the car.


	23. Chapter 22

**SMeyer owns Twilight, I own this. **

* * *

_Thanks to katiewinkles, the writer of an amazing fic called Follow the Sun, for beta'ing. carenl who has a beautifully dirty mind and a heart of gold, and Livieliv79 who can break feels like nobody's business. _

* * *

_A/N: Loved the reviews for last chapter. Lots of almost vomitting and people pissed at Edward. ily guys. Oh, and for those of you that remember Stigward...yeah...MarchHare5 and I will be bringing him back this Fall. Also I'll be donating an EPOV pre-fucked-up for kroseph, a beautiful light in the fandom. Make sure you look out for more news on that. _

* * *

_Through the haze of my high I saw her face, pained and utterly broken. Her eyes, always so telling, spoke volumes of heartbreak and disappointment. I was a sinister fiend in the presence of an angel. I moved past the coffee table of evidence, the tools of my trade, and chased after her like a mad man. My heart pounded in my chest, beating against my ribs like a fist n a steel bar cage. She was gone, disappeared into the black night, and it was all my fucking fault. _

* * *

The pain in my chest was unbearable as I slid out of the cab. The adreanline and alcohol were leaving my system and I could feel myself starting to crash. Inside I didn't bother turning on any of the lights, just pulled myself up the stairs and into my bathroom. On the towel rack was one of Edwards t-shirts, the sight of it making my stomach roll, bringing visions of the vacant look on Edward's face as he looked up at me from the couch. I raced to the toilet and flipped up the lid just in time to empty the day's worth of food and alcohol into the bowl. Tears leaked from my eyes as I heaved, the bile stinging my throat long after the flow of vomit stopped. The muscles in my stomach clenched painfully, mimicking the ache in my heart as I wretched over and over.

Edward wasn't an ex-junkie. He was_ still_ a junkie. A junkie who got high with a fucked up whore. How long had he been doing it behind my back? The thought that he could do this to me, after knowing about my dad, made my head spin.

"Oh god," I choked before gagging again, the thought of what Edward might've gotten from Irina filling my head.

She'd been on antibiotics for STDs at the shelter. She could have hepatitis, fuck, she could have AIDS.

I didn't know for sure if Edward slept with Irina, but what other conclusion could I have drawn when I caught her on top of him? Her barely-there shorts riding up her ass as she snorted coke off his chest, coupled with the startled, shameful look on her face when she realized she'd been caught.

I spit into the toilet and wiped my mouth with the back of my hand, desperate to get the remaining acidic flavor off my tongue. As I got up from the floor, my knees aching from pressing against the hard tile, I could hear footsteps followed by Edward's pained voice.

"Bella! Bella!"

A sob tore through me at the sound of my name, and I stuffed my knuckles in my mouth, biting down hard, hoping he didn't hear me, wouldn't find me. The door to my room slammed against the wall, the sheetrock and plaster shuddering as I jumped at the sound. Edward's heavy steps sounded against the wood floor as he moved closer to the bathroom. I backed up, as if I had somewhere to escape to, the backs of my knees hitting the edge of the tub.

Edward moved into the doorway, shirtless and sweaty. His pupils were the size of quarters and his lips were pulled into a frown. When he reached for me with shaky hands, shuffling further into the bathroom I screamed, "NO!"

He backed up, tremors racking his body. I closed my eyes, blocking out the sight of him. The need to console him, even as my heart broke overwhelming me. I managed to spit a harsh "get out," wanting him to leave me to fall apart alone.

He whimpered, a soft pathetic sound and it made my blood boil. "Bella, please."

My fingers closed into tight fists, my nails digging into my palms as I squeezed my eyes shut tighter. "Shut up! Just shut the fuck up! " Before I knew what I was doing, I closed the space between us, my fists hitting his chest. "I saw you...saw you with her...what you were doing. Oh my god. You're a fucking junkie. You lied. Get the fuck out!" I pummeled him, my eyes screwed shut as I tried to hurt him at least a fraction of how he'd hurt me.

Edward grabbed my wrists, holding them in his tight, clammy grip. "I'm sorry. Please, baby, I didn't mean it."

My mind raced, all the little things I should've noticed, should've paid attention to finally clicking into place: the hushed conversations, the late fucking nights.

"Bella, please. I'm sorry."

"You're sorry?!" My eyes flew open, the world drenched in the red haze of my fury. "I'm the one that's sorry! I'm sorry I trusted you!"

Edward yanked me forward, pulling me into his arms, trying to soothe me like a child. "It's nothing. I won't do it again."

I shoved away from him, my hand stinging with the harsh slap I delivered to his right cheek. "You've been doing it for weeks! Don't fucking lie to me anymore!"

His eyes widened in shock, his hand pressing into his face where I'd slapped him.

"Please...please just get out," I whimpered.

Edward moved forward, his arm reaching out for me. "No, baby."

I cut him off with a pained groan. "Don't call me that. I'm not your baby. I'm not your anything. To think...to think that I thought I could ever fall in love with you." With a humorless laugh I turned my back to him, not wanting to look at the guilt that colored his face.

It didn't matter if he knew now how much I felt for him now. It wouldn't change anything.

"I didn't mean to hurt you. I just..." He was closer to me now, his breath ghosting against the hair at the back of my head.

My body went rigid as I waited for him to touch me. I didn't want to hear his excuses. I didn't want to listen to him try and justify what he'd done to me...to us.

"I don't give a fuck about what you didn't mean to do. You did it. You ruined everything. I'm not going to tell you again. Get the fuck out of my house."

"Please don't do this. I can be better. I'll get help," Edward pleaded.

I shook my head. "It's too late for that. Why don't you go back to Irina and see if she'll finish what you guys started?"

Edward grabbed my shoulders and spun me around, his jade eyes clear with understanding. "No. I didn't...we didn't do that. I didn't touch her like that."

I looked away, forcing my eyes to stay on the sink to my right. "It doesn't matter. Get your hands off of me before I call Emmett."

At the mention of cousin's name, Edward backed away as if I burned him.

Feeling that I'd finally gotten my point across I leveled him with a hard stare, "Leave the key on the counter."

Edward turned, shoulders slumped, and left without looking back.

I waited in the bathroom until I heard the front door shut. When all was quiet I climbed down the stairs and locked the door, pocketing the spare key before curling up on the couch. I cried quietly in the dark, the lonliness I had been feeling smothering me as tears ran down my cheeks.

Eventually I fell asleep, my dreams were a replay of my discovery of Edward to him surrounded by white satin, his eyes closed peacefully as Emmett shut the lid to a dark-stained casket. I stood beside the casket, tears streaming down my face as I wondered how I could've saved him...saved us. Slowly, I lifted the lid and saw my father, a serene smile on his face, a hankerchief in a familiar shade of green in his suit pocket. A soft voice whispered against the shell of my ear. "Save him."

I awoke with tears in my eyes and and the hole in my chest throbbed. I turned my head into my pillow and cried, sobs that made my head ache. I couldn't do it. I wouldn't save someone that didn't deserve it.


	24. EPOV

**SMeyer owns Twilight, but I own this. **

* * *

_Thanks as always to katiewinkles, carenl and livieliv79 for putting up with this cray. _

* * *

_A/N: This chapter is dedicated to Cris for giving me Wisp's POV. She is amazing and wonderful and if you're not reading her story then you'd better get on it! So...it's EPOV. I hope you like it. Or at least want to throw up after reading. lol!_

* * *

I woke in the darkness, the pungent stench of vomit filling my nose as I lay on the cold wood floor of the living room. When I lifted my heavy head, strings of drool and puke dripped between my lips and the puddle on the floor beneath me.

With a shaky hand I wiped at the thick liquid, smearing it across my mouth and hand. My stomach rolled violently at the smell, and I pushed up onto my hands, ready to make a run for the bathroom. But before I could stop it my head began to spin, and the muscles in my gut contracted, bile and alcohol travelling into my throat and past my lips. The acidic taste seared my tongue as I wretched.

In the midst of my purge I tried desperately to recall the night before. How did I end up on the floor? Out of the corner of my eye I could see my phone and a barrage of images flickered in my mind. I'd tried to call Bella, blowing up her phone as I sat on the couch with a bottle of vodka, barely hanging on to the last thread of control I had.

I hadn't gotten high in almost eight hours and my skin was itching, thousands of tiny pricks rushing over my clammy flesh. My head pounded like tiny fists trying to break through my skull; it felt like my brain would explode.

I tried. I tried as hard as I could, but each unanswered call only served to push me back into the abyss until I ripped open my tattered backpack and found the baggie of cocaine. As my heart pounded in my chest I carefully worked the powder into thin lines, the phone on the couch cushion and the desire to talk to Bella forgotten.

With nothing in sight to aid me in my task, I leaned over, pressing my face to the table top, my nostril scraping against the cool glass as I snorted as hard as I could.

The first line burned from my nostril to the top of my head all the way down the back of my throat, and my eyes watered at the sting. With a swipe of my finger I scooped up any residue and rubbed it along my gums, desperate for every grain. The bitter drip of chemicals burned at the back of my nose and down my throat, the sensation a welcome friend. I sniffed, pulling every last particle from my nasal cavity, and rolling my tongue along my teeth to where lips met gums, I tasted the lingering remnants. My fingers twitched and my toes curled as I anxiously waited for the high to pull me under.

A fly landed on the open styrafoam take-out box next to me, and I watched as it picked its way around my last full meal; Bella's left over lo mein. I grunted in frustration at the memory; obviously I wasn't far enough gone to keep her from my mind. Not wasting any precious time, I racked up two more lines, hoping they would finally push me over the edge.

I slid down the couch as the toxins hit my system, the leather sticking to my sweaty skin as I slumped on the floor. The welcome feeling of euphoria, a rightness I hadn't felt in so long, filled me. My skin tingled from my feet to my scalp and I sighed in contentment.

There was no Bella. No overflowing heartache.

Emmett, with his heavy disappointment, had no place here.

With one last heave I was plunged back into the present, and I opened my eyes to a pool of vomit tinged with blood. I bit down on my bottom lip to keep the roar of agony inside. In the light of day, without the haze of the drugs in my system, I felt the weight of guilt press down on me as I crawled up onto the couch. My muscles ached, every inch of my body exhausted despite having been passed out for hours.

I felt dirty, caked with sweat and the smell of my own filth. The walk to the bathroom took every ounce of strength I had, and the horror that greeted me when I flipped on the light brought a sharp cry from between my lips. Both of my nostrils were caked with dried blood, the trails of crimson smeared over my lips and onto my cheek before continuing down my chin. The angry lines leaked onto my chest piece and I shakily wiped at the flakes. I looked back up, my eyes a muted evergreen, the skin beneath bruised purple. My fingertips dusted the hair on top of my head, matted with sweat and dirt.

I couldn't stand what I'd become.

Carefully I got into the shower, leaning against the tiles as I washed the dirt from my body. The heat from the shower suffocated me, my head spinning so fast that I fell to my knees with a painful smack against the wet tile. Slowly I sat down, my chin tucked to my chest as I waited for the world to stop its movements. Unable to stop it I started to wretch again, my empty stomach twisting painfully as saliva leaked from my mouth and swirled down the drain.

I don't know how long I sat there, but the water had gone cold before I finally was able to stand up. I managed to dry myself off and fished out a pair of boxers from my dresser, finding a lump in the folded fabric. I opened the soft cotton and found another baggie that I had hidden away.

My mouth began to water and my fingers twitched as I picked the bag up.

A soft and seductive voice whispered for me to take it, to use it all up, but I resisted and tossed the drugs onto the dresser and pulled on my underwear.

But as I looked at my unmade bed, the last place I'd held Bella, I wondered if it smelled like her still. Instead of throwing myself onto the mattress to bask in any remnant of her scent, I grabbed the bag of white powder and made my way back into the living room where I chose to forget all over again.


	25. Chapter 23

_**SMeyer owns Twilight, but I own this. **_

* * *

_Thank you katiewinkles, carenl, and livieliv79. _

* * *

_A/N: I'm so glad you guys enjoyed EPOV. Kroseph has asked for an EPOV pre-relapse for the collab. So I'll be working on that the update!_

* * *

_Time moves without me. I am driftwood on the ocean of consciousness. I am weightless as I bob between reality and the dreams created by the toxins in my system. It is only when my mind is obliterated that I can find peace; I am able to forget deep eyes full of pain and the softest lips that spit fury like shards of glass._

* * *

The sun that peeked through the slit in my bedroom curtains burned red against my eye lids. I didn't want to wake up. I didn't want to face the days ahead.

A soft knock on my door had me tugging the covers over my head.

"BB, can I come in?" Rose's gentle voice was muffled behind the wood that separated us.

I didn't answer her, but knew she'd come in anyway. She had made it her mission for the past three days to coax me out of my room, and every time I refused.

The knob turned slowly and the door hinges creaked.

"Come on. Talk to me." The bed dipped as she sat down next to me.

The pressure of her hand on my back triggered the sob I'd kept at bay. Her unconditional comfort overwhelmed me. Tears spilled down my cheeks as I burrowed deeper under the covers. Rose moved her hand up and down my back, rubbing soft soothing circles as I cried...again.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I didn't notice what was going on with you and Edward, with his...you know. And I'm sorry that you're hurting." I hated the pain in her voice, knowing that it wasn't just sympathy, but disappointment that I hadn't told her about Edward and me.

Slowly, I pulled the covers from my head and turned so that I could face her. Rose gave me a sad smile and smoothed my bangs back from my face.

I swallowed, my throat dry. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you about us."

Her brow furrowed as she looked down at me. "I'm not sure why you didn't, but, that doesn't really matter right now."

I was relieved that she wasn't mad, but the feeling was singed with guilt.

I nodded, tears welling in my eyes. Rose leaned down and placed a soft kiss on my forehead. "Now get up and take a shower. We're going out with Alice in an hour."

When I made to protest, Rose arched her eyebrow at me, daring me with one look to argue. I clamped my mouth shut and rolled my eyes, throwing the covers back and finally getting out of bed. My whole body ached, my muscles tense and my head throbbing. There was also the ever present hole in my chest that pulsated, ripping further open with each breath. As I closed the bathroom door behind me, taking in my reflection in the mirror, I wasn't sure that the ache in my heart would ever go away.

Showering was refreshing. The hot water pounded against the top of my head, rivulets running down my face and washing away the dried tears. After my shower I dressed, choosing a pair of dark jeans and a plain, black tee shirt. When I made it downstairs, Rose was sitting at the kitchen table texting on her phone.

"Is that Em?" I asked.

She nodded and looked up from the screen., "He was just checking on you."

Emmett had been the one to find me on the couch after Edward left. His thick arms wrapped around me as I sobbed into his shoulder. Emmett listened as I described what I had walked in on, and how Edward followed me home. I was surprised when he sat calmly, arms folded across his chest as he let it all sink in. When he got up and grabbed his keys, I scrambled up from the couch, unsure of what he was going to do.

"Where are you going?" My words tumbled out in a frantic rush.

Emmett didn't look back at me as he grabbed the door handle. "I'm going to talk to my cousin."

There was a part of me that wanted Emmett to go over to Edward's and rip him to pieces, but the part that cared about Edward, the part that still ached for his presence, wanted to keep him safe.

"Don't beat him up!" I reached for Emmett and he pulled away and stepped onto the threshold.

"I'm not going to hit him, Bella. I'm going to make sure he's not dead, and then I'm going to talk to him like a rational human being." With that he left, shutting the door behind him.

A few hours later, he came back, his eyes rimmed red.

"Edward's going to have to fix his own shit." Emmett didn't say anything else and went up the stairs.

After that I was a wreck. I didn't know what happened with him and Edward, but there was no way I would call Edward. I had to turn my phone off because Edward called me constantly. Sometimes he was high, his words slurred and his mind far away, and other times he was coherent, a clear voice as he begged for me to call him back.

Rose slid her chair back, the sound of wood against wood bringing me back to the present. "Let's go, BB."

I sighed, resigning to Rose's will as she grabbed my hand and led me outside like a child.

"Don't worry. This is going to be fun. You need to have fun." She closed the door behind us and I reluctantly got into the car.

As the sun shined through the passenger window, warming my denim-covered lap, I hoped that Rose was right. That I'd have fun and just...forget for a little while.


	26. Chapter 24

**SMeyer owns Twilight, but I own this. I also own a big bag of candy corn and you can't have any. Nom nom. **

* * *

_Thanks as always to Wink, my dreamland baby momma, for beta'ing. Thank you to livieliv79 and carenl for prereading even when they're swamped. _

* * *

_A/N: I know I missed the update schedule this week, but for some reason I just wasn't feeling it. I hope you'll forgive me. We've got a long way to go (timeline wise) with the angst. SOme of you have already guessed that this isn't a two chapter fix. Luckily for you guys my chapters d the time warp. Speaking of time warp if your city does an interactive showing of the Rocky Horror Picture Show you should really go. Okay, now it's just the rambly effects of my hydrocodone talking. I'll leave you guys to it. _

* * *

_I'm waiting, waiting for something to happen. I'm hoping Bella answers the damn phone. I just want her to talk to me, even if it's to yell and scream. She's too strong for that. So much stronger than me. The evidence around me is proof enough. My gaunt face is a testemant to my shame when I look in the mirror. _

* * *

Alice and Rose decided our day out would include lunch at Al's Pizza and then shopping in Five Points. Rose parked the car behind the row of shops on Park Street, and the three of us got out, the hot sun blazing down on us. Without the ocean breeze I knew I'd be sweating after ten minutes, but I vowed to suffer through when Alice looped her arm through mine and started dragging me down the sidewalk.

At Al's we shared a sausage and mushroom pizza and a bottle of wine. I noticed that they both refrained from not only talking about Edward, but their own men as well.

I rolled my eyes as I took a bite of pizza. "You guys can talk about Jasper and Emmett. I'm not going to have a meltdown at the table."

Rose snorted into her wine glass and Alice gave a sheepish smile. I loved them so much, and it made me feel good to know that they were trying to take my feelings into consideration, but if I was going to move on from what I thought I had with Edward, then I'd better start early.

After breaking the ice the two of them chatted away, filling me on all I'd missed since I'd been holed up in my room. Jasper was going to Australia for a surfing competition and had begged Alice to come along, while Emmett and Rose were still getting settled in their place. She was so excited about paint colors and new furniture. I had a feeling Em was going to pop the question soon. It seemed like it was just a matter of time. I was happy for the four of them, even if it did make the fissure in my heart tear open just a little more.

We left Al's and checked out some of the shops. It helped direct my mind elsewhere, but when we got back out onto the street, I saw a man about Edward's height with ink-covered arms walk past, and immediately my thoughts were plunged back into the depths my friends had tried to keep me out of.

Luckily, I didn't break down; I just mumbled I was ready to go home. They didn't argue with me which I was grateful for, and the drive back to Alice's was quiet as I held my tempest of emotions at bay. I felt bad for ruining the afternoon, but just seeing someone that reminded me of him had sent my mind into a tailspin. Anger swelled in my aching heart, spreading like a cancer. I didn't want to think about him. I wanted one day where I could forget about Eward, about his smile and his skin, but most of all I wanted to forget about his glassy eyes as he looked up at me from the couch. He had been so far gone, no thought of me in his distorted reality when I had been so worried about him.

As Rose pulled into the driveway of our...my house, my phone vibrated. With my sour mood I almost ignored it, but I didn't, and pulled it out of my purse to see Garrett's face on the screen. We hadn't talked in a while so I was surprised to see he had called, but also a little scared. What if he asked me where I'd been.? I didn't want to talk to him about it.

Rose arched an eyebrow at me. "Edward?"

I shook my head. "No, it's Garrett."

"Maybe you should answer it, BB. You haven't really talked to him in a while."

That was true. I'd been so wrapped up in Edward, both in happiness and turmoil that I'd forgotten about the man who had become my friend. As I got out of the car I pushed the talk button and waved goodbye to Rose.

"Hey, Garrett."

"Long time no talk, BB!" His jovial answer made me smile.

He wasn't mad at the distance I'd put between us. Garrett's willingness to forgive my selfishness was a relief.

Suddenly I thought about Edward and why I'd basically ignored Garrett for weeks and my mood began to fade.

"You there?" Garrett asked, his tone tinged with a hint of worry.

"Yeah, I'm here. Sorry, I spaced out for a minute."

He laughed loudly. "Fantasizing about me again?"

I choked out a laugh. He honestly had no shame, but it felt good to laugh with him. Of course, Edward took that opportunity to call again, the call wait beeping my ear. I chose to ignore it, and diverted my attention back to Garrett, a lead rock of guilt settling in my gut.

"How have you been? How's Jake?" I asked as I opened up the front door and tossed my purse onto the couch.

"He's great. Wait...no, I'm supposed to say he's sad and he misses you. When are you going to visit him?"

God, he laid it on thick!

"Garrett...," I sighed.

"Okay, okay. I want to see you, BB! Come on, just as friends? I kind of, sort of, saw Emmett the other day, and he told me you've been going through some stuff."

I immediately stiffened. Had Emmett told him about Edward and how stupid I'd been to trust him?

Garrett continued, "I gathered it was guy trouble so I just want to make you smile. Nothing heavy, alright?"

Could I do that? Hang out with Garrett and pretend I wasn't dying inside?

I glanced up at the stairs and thought about my empty bedroom. It was lonely and dark up there. If I went back to wallowing, crying and wishing things were different then I'd never move on. I knew I could be stronger - better.

"Sure. We can do something."

Garrett blew out a breath as if he'd been holding it. "Great. I'll be there in ten minutes."

He didn't even wait for me to agree before he hung up.

Not bothering to freshen up, I plopped down on the couch to wait. My phone vibrated in my hand and I looked down at the screen to see a text alert from Edward.

_Bella talk to me. Please. I can't do this. I can't do this alone._

I laughed humorlessly. He wasn't alone; he had Irina now.

A part of me knew that wasn't true. I did believe him when he said he hadn't slept with her, but the memory of her on top of him, no doubt able to feel him beneath her, made me sick.

Dropping my phone I pressed my fists against my closed eyes to stop the tears that threatened to come.

I wouldn't cry over him anymore. I didn't care about or need him in my life. He wasn't who I wanted. Edward didn't deserve me.

After a few minutes there was a knock at the door, and I jumped up from the couch, startled and a little nervous. When I opened the door Garrett stood there in a white printed tee and board shorts. He gave me a wide smile, his whole face lighting up like the sun, and I felt a smile of my own tug at my lips, a mix of guilt and happiness swirling in my head.

"You look good, BB," he said as he stepped forward and wrapped his arms around me, hugging me tight to his chest.

His embrace was warm and firm. I breathed him in, taking in the hints of Sticky Bumps and salty breeze; clean and refreshing. It was a stark contrast to the smell I recalled from Edward when I saw him last, musky and reeking of stale smoke.

Would I ever get to a point where I didn't compare other men to Edward? No man had affected me like he had, no man had broken me the way he had either.

When Garrett pulled back he smiled down at me and brushed my hair over my shoulder. "Let's go get some ice cream."

He'd already kept his promise of making me smile and his idea to get ice cream would be light and fun.

I grinned and nodded. "Let me go get my purse."

Garrett shook his head and pursed his lips. "Nope, my treat."

I looked back at the couch and saw my phone sitting there, deciding on whether I should get it or not. When the screen lit up I knew it had to be Edward again, so I turned back to Garrett and let him lead me outside.

_**Please Review**_


	27. Chapter 25

**SMeyer owns Twilight, but I own this. **

* * *

_My never ending thanks to Wink and her amazing way with words. Liv, you make my world go 'round. Carenl, ily like I can't even essplain. _

* * *

_A/N: Thank you to everyone who supported me as I took a short break. I expected it to be longer, but somehow Kaleidoscope speaks to me so much better when I don't force it. YOur never ending love keeps me going. To everyone who has rec'd or reviewed this story your words mean so much to me. This story is carved straight from my heart. Please read the additional author's note at the bottom. _

* * *

_There is no stopping. Not when I have nothing to fight for. _

* * *

Outside of Brusters, I watched as two teenagers shared a banana split. Young love blossoming as the boy fed his girl the cherry. It was cute and sweet, and I wondered what that would have been like, to have a boyfriend at that age, to explore with a facet of innocence. My own mistakes tumbled through my mind; a flopping wheel of should-haves rolling through the mud of Edward's fuckery.

Maybe I should have picked someone like Garrett to begin with.

Just as I thought about him Garrett came over, a bowl in hand, a large banana split nestled inside a toasted waffle. My smile was sad as I realized that Garrett had somehow read my mind. He dug two spoons and some napkins out of his pocket and sat down across from me at one of the red-painted tables. I took the red, plastic utensil and spooned off some strawberry ice cream. The sweet treat melted on my tongue and I closed my eyes, enjoying the coolness. When I opened my eyes Garrett was staring at me, his blue eyes soft and a smile so big I thought his cheeks would break.

"You must really like ice cream," I joked, wondering why he looked so damn happy.

Garrett gave a boyish shrug, and looked down at the bowl between us. "Well yeah, but I'm just happy you agreed to come."

I realized then, as he looked both happy and nervous, that maybe Garrett was reading too much into us hanging out. He had promised nothing heavy when we were on the phone. He said he only wanted to make me smile. I couldn't have him wanting more. Not now. I started to panic; my gut filling with worry, and quite honestly fear. I wanted to be Garrett's friend - only his friend. But I didn't want that fact to upset him, causing him to leave me too. The thought of someone else leaving me, going on with their lives without me, made my aching heart hammer in my chest.

Garrett's faced morphed into a frown as I blinked back tears.

"Hey, what's wrong?" Garrett dropped his spoon in the bowl and leaned forward, a gentle hand on mine.

I shook my head, not wanting to tell him what had happened and where my mind had suddenly taken me. But I knew I had to. I wouldn't keep secrets anymore - look where it'd gotten me.

Grabbing one of the napkins I wiped under my eyes and breathed deeply.

"You...you were right about the guy trouble. Remember Emmett's cousin?" Garrett nodded. "We, well, we were seeing each other. He came here from Chicago after being in rehab."

Garrett's face colored with understanding and I fought back tears, trying to continue.

"We hadn't told anyone, you know? I'm not really sure why now, but that doesn't matter. He'd been acting really strange for a few weeks, and when he missed our date night I went over to his place and discovered he was using again. A girl I knew in high school was there - just the two of them."

Garrett's eyes went wide with shock before his features mrphed into sadness and pity.

I looked away from his face and down at the table. "He says they didn't sleep together, and I believe him, but at the same time he lied about the drugs so how do I know?"

The tears were really coming now, and I looked around to see if anyone had been watching, but luckily they were all engrossed in their ice cream. I didn't want anyone to see me crying, but I couldn't stop it. Garrett's hand tightened over mine, comforting and strong.

"She was on top of him, snorting coke off his chest, and, Garrett, he was just _so_ far gone. I left and he came after me. I told him to get the fuck out and I haven't seen him since. He blows up my phone constantly, but I just can't talk to him. He...he hurt me. He knew all about my dad and what I went through and that didn't matter. _I_ didn't matter."

Garrett got out of his seat and scooted in next to me, wrapping his arms around me. He held me tightly as I cried into his chest, drowning out the hiccupping sobs that wracked my body. I felt so ashamed that I'd kept my relationship with Edward a secret, but I was more ashamed and angry that I'd been so blinded by what I thought was love. How could I have been so stupid?

Instead of telling me what an asshole Edward was, Garrett pulled back and looked down at me.

"I had a friend who was trying to stay clean back when I first moved out here, and it was so hard for him. He'd have a few good months before he'd start using again. One day we watched as a group of his druggie friends came over, not knowing that the next time we knocked on his apartment door we'd find him dead on the couch. Most people don't stay clean, BB. He's sick. It really didn't have anything to with you. His relapse, I mean. It was wrong what he did, hurting you and lying to everyone, but his addiction is a disease."

His words were hard to hear, but somewhere deep inside, I knew they were true. My anger was misplaced, but Edward had hurt me too much for me to see past that. I wasn't willing to put myself out there to try and help him. If he wanted help he knew how to get it. He'd done it before. There was too much anger in me to even be able to think about comforting or helping him heal.

"I get that. I do. I just don't want anything to do with him, right now." My words were venom on my tongue, but I wouldn't take them back. Holding onto my anger and disappointment was what fueled me to finally get out of bed.

Garrett looked contemplative and I wasn't sure if he really understood how I felt or if it bothered him that we were talking about another guy.

When he smiled this time it didn't quite reach his eyes. "That's understandable. I just wanted you to know that I don't think he meant to hurt you. He was too busy hurting himself."

That was the crux of it all. Edward did it to himself. That thought made it easier for me to deal with the dead weight of guilt that settled over my aching heart. It was his fault that I couldn't make myself help him. He'd been such a good liar and distracted me from what was really going on that I couldn't see past my own desire for happiness.

A/N: The addict Garrett speaks of is a true story. This happened to a man who lived in my husband's apartment building. While he was living in Jax Beach he met a guy named Scott who was addicted to meth. He'd been sober, Greaser and his buddies did all they could to help him stay clean and to have people to lean on, but one night after his dealer and friends came by the apartment, Scott OD'd some time after they left. The rollercoaster and eventual death of Scott haunts my husband to this day. If you know someone struggling with addiction there are many programs for people to get help. They might not accept it, but don't you want to be able to say that you at least tried?


	28. Chapter 26

**SMeyer owns Twilight, but I own this. **

* * *

_Thank you Katiewinkles for pulling me in the right direction. LivieLiv79 for encouraging me always. Carenl, thank you for always making the time to get through these chapters. You're amazing. _

* * *

_A/N: Erm...ily, guys? Bai._

* * *

_I saw her. She was leaving for her morning run. I hate to admit that I wasn't sure how I ended up in front of her house, only glad that there were no other cars in her driveway. A tiny flare of hope that she was alone like me bloomed in my chest. I wanted her to miss me, to still want me as much as I wanted her. _

* * *

I spent the next three weeks after that night with Garrett warring with myself; a never-ending battle raging inside of me every minute of every hour. I felt like my mind and my heart were being torn in two. Half of me wanted to call Edward or answer when he called me for the millionth time, while the other half begged for me to be strong. I was up and down, the desire to call or talk to him battled my need for self preservation. My lowest point came unexpectedly when Emmett proposed to Rose . I knew it was coming, but the reality of the situation was nearly impossible for me to deal with. In the middle of their living room with all of their friends and family besides Edward to witness sent me on the verge of a panic attack. Walls erected around me, closing me off from everyone I cared about. They'd alienated me and my broken heart without even realizing it. I was stil so raw, so shaken from Edward's betrayal. But as I watched Emmett get down on one knee it wasn't my friends I saw. It was Edward, his lop-sided smile while he held his hand in mine. My brown eyes replacing Rose's tear-filled blue ones. Then I looked around at all the people. How they could live their lives while I was slowly dying inside. The need for my heartache to be aknowledged was a tar pit inside my gut, sucking and pulling every ounce of happiness I had into the darkness.

I went home and cried, burying my face in my pillow to hide the throat-tearing sobs that no one would hear.

When Alice called a few days later with a plan for an engagement party, I knew I couldn't say no, even if I did want to go back into hiding until I could finally forget I ever knew Edward Cullen.

It was no surprise the Hale's had insisted on throwing Rose and Emmett an engagement party at Epping Forest Yacht Club. They were members, so it only made sense they'd rent the place out for their only daughter. Not only did I suffer from the guit and pain of being unable to handle Rose and Em's happiness, but the absence of my own parents weighed heavily on me.

Friends and family filled the lower floor, spilling out onto the patio and beneath the aged oak trees. I sat in one of the chairs just outside the French doors and watched as the guests mingled. Emmett held Rose, his arm gently wrapped around her waist as they moved about the room. They looked so perfect together and it made my heart thump with loneliness. I stared off toward the entrance, my mind a million miles away as the front door to the club opened and Edward stood in the doorway. Panic flooded my veins and my body remained frozen as he looked around the room. His hair was longer, wayward strands sticking up in every direction, and my fingertips tingled with the want to touch them. From my spot I could see he hadn't shaved in a few days, his jaw line was covered in coarse hair. It was his clothes I noticed next, a dark green shirt with charcoal dress pants. I'd never seen him dressed up before, and I fought back the desire that welled in the pit of my belly. It hurt to look at him, at how beautiful he truly was. When our eyes met I was hit with the stark reality of why the ache in my chest pinched and tightened. His eyes were glassy, and dark circles sat heavily under them as if he hadn't slept in ages. The far away look gave it all away - he was high.

He was _still_ using.

After everything that happened, he still hadn't stopped. Not even for one fucking night.

As he moved to step forward I shut my eyes tight and shook my head, telling him silently that I didn't want him to come any closer. When I opened them he was gone. I frantically looked around the room and saw him talking to Mrs. Hale, his charming smile and beautiful face fooling her into thinking he was normal, a decent guy who didn't snort coke or hang out with diseased whores. I put the flute of champagne to my lips and downed its contents, letting the fizzing, bubbling liquid tickle my throat and cloud my mind.

For the next hour I drank, tossing back glass after glass as I avoided the one man who had my undivided attention. I could see him watching me as he played nice for everyone, concern etched across Emmett's features as he hugged his lost cousin. The more he pretended, the angrier I got. The angrier I got, the more I wanted to forget. That was the problem with Edward though, nothing could ever make me really forget.


	29. Chapter 27

**SMeyer owns Twilight, but I own this. **

_My gratefulness is never ending. Katiewinkles, I love you and want to make sweet sweet mayhem with you. Liv, your continual support of my writing, no matter what it is, keeps me going. Carenl, you have such a gift for making me smile. I want to snuggle you hardcore. _

_A/N: Thank you for all of you that are still reading this. Your support astounds me and I am so grateful. _

_I had to see her. No matter what anyone says I'm going to see her. I'm going to talk to her. Beg her to help me. Beg her to take me back. She is my everything. My only life line. She has to see I'm dying inside. I'm slowly killing myself, but I want to live. I want to live for her, to make her smile and make her laugh. I want her. I need her. I have to have her. _

In a split second I was out of my chair, taking the flight of stairs to the top floor. He wouldn't follow me. He couldn't. He couldn't force me to talk to him. My whole body was tensed with flight, my palms sweaty and my heart pounding as I took the stairs two at a time. I darted around the corner looking for a place to hide like a fucking coward, and before I could push open a nearby door I felt Edward's firm grip on my upper arm. I gasped at the scorch of his skin, his palm radiating heat that shot up my arm.

"Bella, stop."

Just the sound of his voice broke me all over again. The gravelly rasp of pain and desperation seeped from those two words and sunk into every single cell of my body, forcing me to obey his command helplessly.

I grit my teeth and swallowed against the lump in my throat. I wouldn't break down in front of him.

"What are you doing here?" My words were forced through my teeth, grinding and reluctant.

Edward's grip on my arm tightened, almost painfully so. "I wanted to be here for my cousin. I wanted to see you. I just wanted to fucking see you, Bella."

I shut my eyes, wishing I could block his words from my ears.

"You're fucking high, Edward. I can see it. I'm sure everyone can see it. See how fucked up you are."

I couldn't stop myself. The words continued to fall like lead rocks from my lips.

"You're not fooling anyone. You're just as selfish as always. Showing up here when no one wants you. I don't fucking want you here. Did you see Garrett? He brought me here. He's my date. I don't fucking need you. I don't fucking want you."

Lies.

My heart burned, swallowing up the words that spewed from my mouth, twisting and crushing them into ash. My stomach rolled with disgust, but I wanted him to hurt. I wanted him to feel thrown away and used; the way he made me feel.

A sob choked out behind me and tears burned my eyes. He wasn't allowed to cry. He didn't deserve to cry.

I turned to face him, and the sight of him, head hanging in shame, gave me both overwhelming satisfaction and regret. I yanked my arm from his grasp, the rough pads of his fingers scraping against my skin.

"Go home," I spat at him, forcing as much anger into my voice as I could muster.

Edward's head snapped up, his eyes meeting mine. I watched as sadness swirled into resolve before my back was pressed against the wall. His breath was a mix of mint and alcohol, and I turned my head away, not wanting to look at him. Not deterred by my reluctance to look at him, Edward pressed his open mouth to the pulse point on my neck. When I moved my arms to push him away he gripped them, just below my shoulders, forcing me to stay still.

"I need you, baby. I need you so fucking much. Tell me you forgive me. Tell me that fucking douche isn't your goddamn date." His lips brushed against my skin, moist and hot, and my knees shook with the tiny jolts of pleasure that wracked my body.

When one of his hands left my arm and danced dangerously beneath the hem of my dress, my head fell back against the wall.

"Tell me he hasn't touched you like this."

His lips closed over my skin and he sucked hard, pulling my tender flesh into his mouth, marking me.

I pulled away, twisting my upper body as his lips left my throat.

"Don't do that to me," I gritted out.

Edward pressed his forehead to the wall beside me as his hand drifted higher up my thigh. When his palm cupped me through my panties, I trembled. He pressed the heel of his hand firmly against my clit and rubbed down, forcing a moan from between my lips. His touch hurt so good, the perfect pressure to slowly drive me insane. The alcohol blurred my thoughts and I was unable to separate my pain from the pleasure he was giving me. My hands traveled up his back and into his hair, the strands definitely as soft as they looked. He groaned and pressed his cheek to mine, the rough scrape of stubble had me clenching my thighs around his wrist.

"We...we shouldn't." My words were a weak protest, but they needed to be said.

"Please, please let me feel you. I missed you so much. You feel so perfect in my hand, baby. Let me touch you. Let me make you feel good."

I shook my head even as my legs fell open a little and my hips rocked into his hand. Edward slipped one finger beneath the fabric of my panties, tracing me softly.

"Fuck that's it. I missed this. Missed you. So fucking perfect."

Slowly he ran the tip of his finger back and forth, teasing and gentle. When he shifted closer I felt him against my thigh through his suit pants. I tried not to recall how he felt inside me, so perfect and hard. I didn't want to think about the way he'd make me come, crying his name and trembling from pleasure. It was inevitable. All those things flooded my mind, forcing every piece of hurt and anger into a tiny part in my brain.

"Please. Don't stop." I shifted my hips forward, gently thrusting so that his finger would slide inside me.

Edward's moan matched mine, needy and full of relief. My hands had a mind of their own, pulling his shirt from where it was tucked into his pants and undoing his zipper. I just wanted to forget, to pretend that everything was better. That none of that shit ever happened. That he was just my Edward.

When I held him, heavy and perfectly familiar in my hand, I closed my eyes and lifted my leg, wrapping it around his hip. Edward peppered every inch of my skin he could reach with wet, open-mouthed kisses as he pulled my panties to the side. The tip of his cock brushed against me and I squirmed before guiding him slowly inside. My body sagged against the wall, but Edward gripped my hips, lifting me up so I could wrap my legs around his waist. I felt so full, so tight around him that I knew I'd feel it the next day, but I didn't care. I just wanted the pain in my heart to go away.

He pressed me into the wall as his hips began to move, pushing and pulling as his mouth met mine. His lips and tongue were relentless as he kissed me with so much want. I'd never felt him so desperate, so in need of me, and it made me soar.

"This...fuck this is it. God, you feel so fucking good. Wanna feel you come. Please, baby, please."

Edward's words were muffled in our kisses as he drove me higher and higher. When he picked up the pace, thrusting harder and faster, fucking me against the wall, I could feel that delicious flutter of pleasure swell and grow. It was the words that spilled from his lips, flowing into my mouth as I dug my nails into his back that yanked me back to earth, shoving me face first into reality.

"I love you."

Those three words crashed over me, and all the carnal pleasure that his body gave me was drowned out by the intense pain and confusion that came with them.

He loved me?

Love.

He thought he loved me. He didn't know what love was.

He pumped into me harder, and I felt it, a sting of pain as my body stopped responding to his actions. I pushed on his shoulders, trying to get him to stop.

"Edward, stop. Please, just stop." My tongue felt thick in my mouth as the pained words rolled past my teeth.

When my words sunk in, Edward stopped moving. I wasn't sure if he even realized what he had said.

"What's wrong?" he asked as I started to lower my legs, his cock slipping out of me. I winced at the sharp sting of dry skin on skin between my legs. My eyes burned with tears as I tried to find the words to say.

"I...I can't do this. You don't love me. Did you even hear yourself? You fucking said you love me!"

My voice rose as I became hysterical, my brain unable to process what I had been thinking to let him fuck me. Without warning I gagged as I recalled how I'd begged him not to stop, how I wanted him inside me, how I'd let him fuck me without a condom.

"Oh my god. Oh my god. What have I done?" I pressed the heels of my palms against my eyes to stop the tears that spilled down my cheeks.

Edward remained eerily silent, and I dropped my hands to find him staring at the floor, his pants still undone, his half-hardened cock evidence that I really did let him put his cock in me.

"I have to go," I choked out.

Edward's head snapped up and panic filled his features. "NO! You...don't go. Bella, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I said that. I was..."

I didn't let him finish. "You were fucked up and didn't know what you were saying. I'm so fucking stupid."

I made move to leave, but Edward grabbed me, holding me in place. "No. I mean yes, I'm fucked up, but I do love you. I love you, Bella. I fucking need you."

Not wanting to listen to him, I shook my head.

"Don't shut me out. I'm fucking sorry for what I did, but I couldn't stop once I'd started. I still can't stop. I need you to help me. Please help me."

Tears spilled from his eyes, sliding down his cheeks and I watched in shock as they flowed faster.

"Please, Bella. Please help me. If you don't love me back, if you can't ever fucking love me back it's okay. I just need you. Please, baby, don't make me go home. Don't make me go back there. It's waiting for me. I'll use it and I don't want it. I can't fucking take it anymore."

Edward dropped to his knees, his arms wrapping around my waist as he sobbed into my dress, soaking the thin material. I stood there locked in fear as clarity sunk in. Garrett's words rang loudly in my head as Edward's muffled pleas continued. He didn't mean to hurt me, because he was too busy hurting himself. I had been so fucking blind, so lost in my own fantasy of finally having someone to be with that I didn't see the signs, didn't want to see how he was struggling. I'd hurt him more than he hurt me. My reluctance to see beyond my own pain, my own selfish wants had destroyed the man I loved.


	30. Chapter 28

**SMeyer owns Twilight, but I own this and a very unhealthy obsession with Rob's dress shoes. **

_Katiewinkles, you're like the smell before rain, you're the blood in my veins. Oh wait, those are lyrics from Brandnew. Still so very true though. Liv, I made Edward cry last chapter as an ode to how I fell in love wtih you. Backatchu, bitch. Carenl, thanks for always making time for me amidst the cray. _

_Check out my Holiday 2012 Oneshots. I've got one posted for flifliki and for carenl. _

_HAPPY BIRTHDAY, CRIS AKA JUDO_LIN ! ILLLLYYYY!_

_A/N: Welp the angst still isn't over. *ducks and runs for cover*_

_I blink open my swollen eyes. I'd never cried so much in my entire life, not even when my own mother died. I recall the events from the night before, begging on my knees for Bella to help me get clean, and her eventual agreement. She hadn't promised me anything more than helping me get into rehab. It didn't matter that she didn't return my feelings, or that she hadn't accepted my apology, all that mattered was that she was going to be there. For me. After all I'd done to her. To us. _

My body ached from my scalp to my toes as I turned over on the couch. After calling a cab I gave Rose a cliff notes version of what had happened upstairs at the yacht club, before helping Edward into the back of the car. Garrett stood on the front steps, a sad smile on his face as he waved goodbye. I hated that I left him hanging, but I'd promised Edward that I'd do what I could to help.

I hadn't decided yet if we'd be anything more than friends, but my heart still ached for him in a way it never had before. Not wanting to even go there, I settled back in the seat as Edward rested his head in my lap. Even puffs of his warm breath blew through the thin fabric of my dress, and my fingers found their way into his damp hair, caressing and scratching as we rode through the night.

Able to walk by himself Edward got out of the cab and held his hand out to me. My hand, dwarfed in his, trembled at the tiny moment of contact. I let us inside, my home dark and quiet. Without turning around I said quietly, "Maybe you should shower. And take my bed."

Edward made a noise of protest and I held up my hand. "This might be the last night you get to sleep in a sort of familiar place. I want you to be comfortable."

He didn't argue after that. Instead, he walked to the stairs and stopped. "Thank you, Bella." His voice, still tinged with sadness, was warm with relief.

"You're welcome."

After Edward took a shower, I fixed us both grilled cheese and tried not to notice the way his hands had already begun to shake. His skin was pale and he looked thin. I hadn't really noticed that before. He ate slowly, as if savoring each bite, and I wondered what he'd been eating this whole time. Tears clouded my vision at the thought of what he must have been going through.

"Um, are you...are you still living in that house?" I asked, unsure if he was even still working.

Edward nodded as he swallowed a bite of food. "Yeah. Yeah I am. I need to call work and my landlord. I don't know if I'll still have a job after this."

He dropped the half a sandwich in his hand and started tugging on his hair. "Fuck. Maybe I shouldn't do this. I can get clean without rehab right? I can...I can take a couple of days off to detox and then get back to work."

My mouth fell open and my fingers curled into a tight fist. I felt every muscle in my body coil with anger. "You're kidding right? I'm not going to sit here and watch you fucking detox, only to get back on the shit whenever you can't handle it!"

Edward's eyes widened at my outburst, but I kept on. "This...this isn't going to happen like that. You want help? Well you're getting it. No smooth ride, no fucking Kung Fu. You'll check into a facility that we, including Emmett, agree on. This is your only shot, Edward. Take it or get the fuck out of my house. Do you understand?"

He nodded, slack-jawed and wide eyed.

"I know i said no promises, but you quitting and taking the easy route is a deal breaker. I won't watch you throw your life away again. Take it or leave it."

I wasn't paying games with him. I knew what I needed to, what we needed to do and I wasn't going to let Edward become his own worst enemy again.


	31. Edward POV 2

**SMeyer owns Twilight, but I own this. **

_Thanks to katiewinkles for beta'ing, carenl and livieliv79 for prereading. _

_AN: I hope that everyone had a wonderful holiday and a happy New Year. I know I've been absent, but to be honest, I was having difficulty focusing on writing. Real life is a mess and I didn't want that to taint my words. Thank you for being patient. This is the infamous EPOV that has been kicking my butt. Enjoy. _

_The sight of him as he walked through the rehab doors, slumped shoulders and pained expression, made my heart ache. He looked so broken, so full of regret and self-loathing that I did the only thing I could do. I hugged him. I wrapped my arms around his neck and let him bury his face in my hair, both of us seeking just a bit more comfort. The sound of Emmett clearing his throat broke us apart. I slid into the driver's seat and gripped the steering wheel to hold me in place. My heart wanted to go to Edward, to tell him that it'd be okay and that I'd be waiting for him, but my head knew that he needed to do this. _

As I walked through the automatic doors of the rehab center I was overcome with unbridled fear. The fear of what came next: the agony of detox and the possibility that Bella wouldn't see me through this. Not that I'd blame her. She had no reason to keep her promise after the way I'd pushed her away, breaking the fragil foundation we had begun to build with the sledgehammer of my addiction.

Once again I was fucking selfish, because eventhough she shouldn't give two shits about what happens to me, I needed her. It was glaringly obvious that I couldn't do this on my own. I wouldn't make it if she walked away from me now. The tiny promise she gave me, of being my friend and seeing this through gave me the strength to keep walking.

Trina the receptionsist helped me fill out all of the necessary paperwork as Emmett watched some football game on the small waiting area TV, my tongue swollen in my mouth and my throat dry as I wrote briefly about my previous attempt in rehab and the events that led to my relapse. The weight of my actions lay heavily on my shoulders, but I'd accepted Bella's challenge. I was here, not just to make things right with her, to gain her trust but for myself. I didn't want to be an addict.

When I was through with the paperwork Trina gave us a tour. The facility was comfortable, but it was nothing like the one I'd been to in Chicago. Bella had been right. I needed a place that reminded me I was there for healing not for an extended vacation where I could hide from the world.

"This will be your room. There is the possibility that you'll wind up sharing if someone else shows up while you're here. Make yourself comfortable. Dinner's at six and then you'll have your first session with Dr. Flannigan at eight AM." Tina closed the door behind her.

Emmett rubbed the back of his neck and let out a long breath. "It's not too bad right? I mean, it's not Ceasar's Palace," he laughed trying to break the uneasiness that hung in the air around us.

I smiled, grateful for his presence and his concern. "It'll be great." What I didn't say was that in a few hours it wouldn't matter what the room looked like. It wouldn't matter because I'd probably prefer the cool, tiled floor instead of the warm bed when my body was wracked with a fever as every cell begged for one more line. It was the greatest form of torture, knowing what was coming and making the choice not to stop it.

After a few moments of "call when you can" and "we'll be here for you" Emmett left. I sat down on the bed, the springs creaking beneath my weight. I could already feel the tightening in my stomach and I knew I'd have Trina put in a page to the on call doc before dinner time. I dug through the small bag at my feet and pulled out Bella's favorite nightshirt, a threadbare Fletcher highschool gym shirt. With the worn cotton twisted in my hands I lay on the bed, closing my eyes burying my nose in the Bella-scented fabric as I waited for the burn.

A/N: This chapter is shorter than most because the next one will be a look at what detox will be like for Edward. I felt that deserved a seperate piece. I hope you'll stick around for part two of Kalward's POV.


	32. EPOV 3

**SMeyer owns Twilight, but I own this. **

_Thanks as always to katiewinkles, livieliv79 and carenl. ily guys as much as I love Rob in shiny dress shoes. _

_A/N: I know it's been awhile so I've got a long note. Please read and dont just skip to get to the good stuff. _

_Are you going to TwiFic Meetup? If not you'd better get on that. I, along with more amazing authors are going to be speaking at the meetup and it'll give you a chance to meet the people we all spend so much time chatting with on the interwebz. PLEASE COME! _

_This chapter is a little bit short, but you know how I feel about that stuff. A long chapter in BPOV will follow. Hopefully not months away. _

_I hope you enjoy my view on Edward's detox...or rather Edward's view. I likened it to the burning during vamp transformation and hopefully the imagery is fitting. _

_This story is dedicated to MarchHare5. My goal in life is to bust her feels. _

_I felt his absence. No longer the gaping hole of his betrayal, but a fissure that seemed to grow with each day of his rehabilitation. Would I ever heal? Would he? They say only time can tell, but I'm not sure these wounds will ever go away. _

There's a burn that radiates from the tips of my toes to the ends of my hair. Every nerve ending is singed to the point of no return.

Inside I am a raging inferno.

The pain of my detox is an army of hot pokers melting through skin and muscle, anchoring to my bones.

With every breath fire licks at my throat, scorching my esophagus and turning my nostrils into dust. If I could open my eyes I'm sure I'd see the steady tendrils of smoke escape my chapped and dry lips.

The tile beneath my writhing body gives only a slight reprieve. Doused in flames, I quickly consume the tiny fraction of cold that seeps through my skin from the floor under me.

I hear muffled words, the blood pounding in my ears drowning out all else.

_Fever is breaking. _

_He'll be sore after this. _

_Get some clean clothes for him to change into. _

The voice is deep and soothing, but it isn't the one I want. I yearn for soft, whispered tones.

Bella's face breaks through the blackness of my vision and I hold onto the memory of her knowing eyes, her sweet, parted lips. I grab at it, arms flailing as I try to reach her, but she's beyond my grasp. I smell her, just a wisp of clean and pure, before the soot and ash of my sins clouds my senses once more.

Will it ever stop?

Have I finally reached Hell?


	33. Chapter 29

**SMeyer owns Twilight, but I own this. **

_Thanks to katiewinkles for beta'ing. No prereaders this time since I've been hoarding the chapter for like a week. _

_A/N: Twific Meetup is getting closer! If you haven't paid your dues do it quick! Also, I added a bit after Wink took a look so any mistakes are prolly mine. _

_See you at the bottom. _

* * *

_Seeing her, touching her for the first time in over three months, is surreal. Even if she's distant and stiff in my arms as I wrap her in a strong and relentless hug. I can feel her heartbeat against my chest, pounding in time with my own. I know her visit is over, but I really don't fucking want her to go. _

* * *

I stood outside the double doors to the rehab's gymnasium, unsure if I could really go in there.

Edward had invited me every week to come to one of his group sessions, but I couldn't. I wasn't ready to see him, to face the reality that he may not be healing as well as I'd secretly hoped.

Through the rectangular window I could see the group, a handful of couples and Edward off to the side. His chair was pushed just out of the circle, the empty seat next to his sticking out like a sore thumb. My chest tightened as he glanced at the chair, his long legs stretched out in front him, brow furrowed as he crossed his arms over his chest.

He looked so fucking sad. Because of me.

Tears welled in my eyes and the urge to go to him nearly propelled me forward, but I was scared.

Before I could turn away someone stepped up behind me.

"Are you here for a session?"

I gasped, turning quickly to see a petite Asian woman standing there, notebook in hand. Her hair was pulled into a messy bun and she wore a hoodie and jeans. Was she a patient? She was dressed too casual to be a therpaist or doctor.

When I opened my mouth to speak nothing came out.

She placed a hand on my arm and offered me a gentle smile. "Are you alright?"

I nodded, unsure if it was the truth.

"Well, come on then. They can't start without me so I'd better get in there." Her voice held a hint of humor as she grasped my elbow, effectively pulling me along with her into the gym.

The moment the doors opened all eyes turned our way, but the only pair I could focus on were the stormy green ones that flew wide open as they locked onto me. Edward blinked, squeezing his eyes shut before opening them, as if he didn't believe what he was seeing. My heart pounded in my chest, my palms sweating as I took another step closer. IA small smile tugged at my lips as he sat up, elbows on his knees as he braced himself, waiting for my next move.

When I took my seat, I instinctively reached out and squeezed Edward's hand in mine. It felt good to touch him, to know he was right beside me. His skin was warm and dry, not clammy and cold like the last time we'd touched outside of the rehab center. I tried to ignore the way the rough pads of his fingers gliding along my fingers made my skin prickle with pleasure. That part of me, the side that wanted him beneath me and above me was slowly coming back to life. All from just holding his fucking hand.

With a shake of my head I pushed those thoughts away, knowing that we had a long road to travel before that would happen ever again. My heart hadn't quite reached the level of forgiveness that my body had.

As the group introduced themselves, each person giving tiny snippets of how they'd come to be in rehab, I focused on their words and the pain that laced each syllable. They had similar stories to ours: relapse and hurt, mistrust and dishonesty. It made the lump in my throat grow with each passing confession. Throughout my seperation from Edward I'd selfishly thought I was the only one who had been hurt and betrayed, when that wasn't true at all. Seeing all those other people made me realize it'd never been about me and I suddenly recalled Garrett's words. Edward wasn't trying to hurt me, he'd been too busy hurting himself.

We'd both hurt each other.

When it was Edward's turn I prayed silently for strength, that I'd be able to stay put in my chair and not take off out of the gym like a coward. I prayed for Edward, that he'd be able to release his demons. His grip on my hand tightened, begging me to stay and I closed my eyes as the words rolled off of his tongue. As his fingers twisted with mine and a wave of his warm scent washed over me I felt grounded. He held me there, with nothing more than a hand and his presence, giving me the silent strength I hoped for.

"My name is Edward Cullen, and I'm an addict. I've been clean for three months and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't want to use." A hushed mumur of agreement followed his words.

"It's only the hope that this woman here today, my...my Bella, has given me. She showed me that although I don't feel like I deserve it, she sees something in me that's worth saving. I've apologized for what I've done and begged for her forgiveness." He turned his head, his eyes soft and begging for forgiveness before he glanced back at the others. "Now I want to earn it."

My vision blurred with unshed tears, and I looked around the small group, their faces full of encouragement and anticipation. Clearly Edward had talked about me before. Steeling myself for the onslaught of emotion that threatened to take over, I took a shaky breath to answer.

"If only there was a line drawn in the sand. A line so deep and wide that no one could miss it. Maybe then I could make a choice, pick a side and stick with it. But life isn't like that." I tucked a strand of hair behind my ear, a humorless chuckle escaping my lips. "It's not black and white; it's a kaleidoscope of colors, a prism that dances in the morning sunlight.

Knowing now what lies ahead, the choices I'll have to make - I'm still not ready"

Edward's defeat was evident in the loosening of his grip, but I held firm, squeezing his hand in mine as I met his eyes. Not looking away, I tried to find the words for the feelings I was unaware I had until just moments ago.

"I'm not ready. But I know I'll never be ready until I face my fears. I have to. I owe it to both of us to try."

The smile that tugged at his lips, pulling at his cheeks and lighting up his eyes made me certain I'd done the right thing. This was helping him heal; my honesty, my willingness to trust and hopefully gaining his trust in return. Maybe this time he'd share his pain and his darkest thoughts. Maybe he'd be able to give himself to me fully instead of holding back.

* * *

_Please Review_


End file.
